Author: rmarin

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Don’t let your failures define you. Let them refine you.

– Callie Khouri

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Backed into a Rut

Every once in awhile I find myself in a “rut”. I only put the term into quotes because I feel like I’m in a rut. I find myself doing day to tasks—going to work, going to church, working on hobbies, doing small groups, community groups, ministries—and I feel no excitement or progression to what I’m doing. Time and time, over and over I ask myself, “For what reason am I doing any of these things?” I also find myself falling back into old habits and vices that I thought I quit long ago. Am I really falling back to my old ways?

I guess this is where I’m supposed to be in this season1 of my life. Though, giving this an identity of such in this “season” I may be is a cop-out sort of answer. I shouldn’t just endure or persevere through it. I should really take this opportunity to examine and learn from it. So how would one go through this?

I’m writing off the top of my head, but the first thing I know I need to do is remember. This is different from reminiscing the “better times”, but instead I need to remember why I considered the last season a better time in life. For one, God’s presence was ever so evident in my life. Just a year ago it felt like there was a nimbus at my feet and God took me wherever and whenever He wanted me to. As long as I was obedient to His every word, His Will was being done in my life!

Compare it to right now where it seems like nothing is happening. I don’t want to compare it to really being in the valley or in the desert. He has no abandoned me. I know He is there. I know He is doing a good work. But I just don’t feel like anything is happening. And that’s okay. I should mature enough in my faith to remember that I am no longer driven by my feelings. Instead I look to what God has done and what He has promised and He is doing a good work no matter how I feel about my current predicament in life. That said, life is good. I have a job. I have a home. I have friends. I have a church community. I am also in a wonderful romantic relationship with a woman I deeply love.2

And even though I may not have the same feeling where my every being was resonating with the Holy Spirit, that very same Spirit that rocked my every moment in 2013 is still in me to this very day. I did say I want the Spirit to grow in me as stated in Galatians 5:16-26, and this is the time I am called to set a ground to focus more on patience, peace, and self control so that love, joy, faithfulness, goodness, and gentleness may continue to grow as a whole.

I do know one thing. Whether I feel it or not, God is doing a good work for His Will. I ought to be pursing Him and never give up seeking His face. He is everywhere all the time. I can find Him in the mundane and in this rut I find myself in. One thing for sure is that this isn’t the last time I’ll be in a season like this. It will happen time and time again wherever I am in life—rich or poor, single or married, with or without children, in sickness or in health—I better learn how to be content and learn from this time now before it’s too late.

  1. A very Christian-ese term whenever we find ourself living out a particular duration of life that’s full of blessing or trials. Though, you definitely hear the term more when people are describing a possible “trial” they are called into [↩]
  2. I know, I know… I need to get around to posting that story [↩]
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Trust with Obedience

A new year is upon us, and it’s time for me to review what happened in 2013. Before I review 2013’s tangible goals, I wanted touch up on a few themes that I discovered for this year. At the end of 2012, I felt this pending sensation that something was going to happen in 2013. I know, I know, every year I say, “This year is going to be it!” But to see where I was in 2011 and 2012, things had to go up from there, right? Yes, it did in many amazing ways! But throughout the entire year, even though both halves were split with its own sub theme, I feel what God has been teaching (and continue to do so) is trust with obedience. I felt there was something deep down in my heart—a desire planted so long ago by the Creator Himself—to do amazing things. And even when I wanted to push those amazing things aside, what I felt that was so hidden but so wanted to be revealed was this desire to do what my Father does. To finally use my own free will that He granted to do me to give it up and to follow Him.

I may have jokingly first wrote about the tangible goal list for 2013, but I soon realized how awesome it could be to accomplish then quickly recognize despite of these things of this list are good, I want to make sure I do them to honor my Creator and do life according to His will. I want to do the same thing with the list for 2014. I do not to complete all of them, instead I hope each one I can accomplish according to His ways. And if He tells me that this is something that He does not want for me, that I may immediately obey and trust that His way is always better than mine.

With that aside, let’s dive into 2013’s tangible goals!

  1. Write a tangible goal list. Always start the year with a win!
  2. Launch twinwork.net. Even though it’s up, sadly I already want to redo it for one final time. It is complete for 2013, but it more or less made it back on the list for 2014.
  3. Create a photography/portfolio blog. Totally failed. The whole idea was to use the Twinwork platform I built for twinwork.net and create a portfolio blogging website for all of my photography. You know what’s even a bigger failure for me? I barely did any photography for the year.
  4. Learn 2 lead rifts in 3 keys on the guitar. I said a made an addendum during the first quarter update. I didn’t exactly learn to play lead, but I did increase my confidence in leading worship and just jamming with friends. Specifics aside, I think if my goal was to progress in music, I did just that, so I’m going to call this a win.
  5. Serve in at least one ministry at Newsong. More or less completed withing the first quarter of 2013 and it continued with the Muffin Ministry through the 2nd and 3rd quarters.
  6. Find and learn from at least one mentor. I couldn’t find one.  Pushed this goal to 2014.
  7. Find one person to mentor. I sort of found someone to mentor, but not really. Just like finding a mentor, this goal is also pushed to 2014.
  8. Post a story to singlethread.org once a month. Done! Though, there was one month that could be debatable. I did over 12 posts this year, so I’m calling it a win! I’m still planning on posting at least a story a month through 2014.
  9. Fly to Hawaii to see Joel (and Iron Man 3) to celebrate our 20th friendiversary. Totally happened! I even played on his worship team when I went out. We had so much fun!
  10. …And fly Joel out here to see Hillsong. This was also equally amazing. We ended up driving up north to visit a few friends… something very similar to what we did back in 2007. All too awesome!
  11. Build that new computer! Failed. I added this to 2014 for the sake of having it there, but it’s not a high priority. If God really wants me have this, He’ll deliver a way for it to happen 😉
  12. Buy that D800 & 105mm macro lens. Failed. I just didn’t shoot in 2013 and I honestly don’t believe I’ll be shooting much in 2014. I might pick up the 105mm macro lens if I somehow achieve all my financial goals for 2014, but this is no longer a priority. Chances are by the time I get back into photography, the D900 will be out. I can wait four years or so.
  13. Be her Adam for your Eve. I still have yet to write this story, but God definitely delivered on this goal when I least deserved it. This happened in the second half of the year and how He wrote this story for us was completely mind blowing. We’re still together, yet apart (she’s teaching in Spain during the 2013-2014 school year). Though, I can’t say she will be my life long partner, but she is definitely somebody special that I want to explore that question with.

So I was 8 for 13 for the year. God definitely did good. I trust in Him that He will top all of this in 2014. I already sense it’s going to be a different year, but I definitely want to see what He will do to stretch and grow me. I pray that I will always run to Him no matter what trials I find myself in.

Live an amazing life to always glorify God’s mighty name! Have a great 2014!

P.S. Just like last year, I’m kicking off 2014 alone, and I’m okay with that. I’m sure this will be a rare occurrence in the future.

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Fourteen Tangible Goals for 2014

Well, it’s actually 13. In a nearly identical fashion for this year’s list, I crafted (maybe a bit too hastily) yet another tangible goal list for the upcoming new year.

Tangible Goal List for 2014

 

I know I still need to give an update how last year’s list is going. In short, I didn’t complete it, but it doesn’t matter because God showed me and blessed with so much more than I could ever want in a single year. At the of 2012, there was an outward-growth tone that I sensed. Nearing the end of 2013, I feel the growth is far more inward and I feel God will be challenging me in new ways where I have no choice but to keep Him close and carry an unshakable faith through this year. I’m a bit scared but curious. I don’t know 2014 will bring, but nonetheless I wrote this list and give it all to Him.

1. Write a tangible goal list for 2014.

Great! I’m off to a good start and it’s not even January yet!

2. Visit your girlfriend in Spain!

I know, I know, a lots happened since the last story about chasing after the 13th tangible goal of 2013. But let’s just say God keeps his promises and pours out His blessings in such beautiful and surprising ways. Anyway, she’s currently teaching in Spain for a year, and visiting her (also my first time leaving the country) is definitely on my tangible goal list.

3. Pay off your credit cards and don’t ever carry any revolving debt at any point this year!

At the end of 2012, I managed to pay off all my credit cards (just two) and start 2013 pretty new! It felt awesome and I had the best of intentions to keep myself debt free.1 But my spending quickly got out of hand. I had to pay for some major dental work. I ended up getting a new prescription for my glasses and contacts. For some strange reason I wanted to buy a couple of new suits even though I rarely ever have a need for suits. I bought a pair of hand made Italian shoes. I also found myself constantly going out with friends and doing things. That was definitely a contrast to last year where I spent majority if not all of my days on my own.

The first part of this goal should be easy to hit. I originally intend to be debt free by the end of 2013, but I fell short for about a month. The question is will I be able to stay debt free through the rest of the year?

4. Pay yourself first—at least 10% of all income goes to savings (after your tithe)

This should be pretty easy after being credit card debt free. God let’s me keep 90%. Right after that, I want to put the second 10% directly to savings. My real goal is to get my savings (since it’s my most liquid account) so that I have 6 months worth of living expenses. I originally wanted to do that this year, but that would mean I would have to cut my living expenses by at least half for all of 2014 to make that goal. I already made a lot of cuts (and I could do more) in the last three months. A side goal to this would be to get 3 months worth of living expenses to go to savings.

5. Contribute a minimum of $50/mo to your ROTH IRA

I must be a grown up now. I have both a 401k and a ROTH IRA! By the way, I wish I knew about the advantages of a ROTH IRA when I got my first job so many years ago. Fifty bucks a month isn’t much, but it’s definitely $50 more a month than this year. Ideally, I would like to max it out for the year ($5500), but let’s take it one step at a time.

6. Find a mentor

Just like last year. I still haven’t found one yet. Maybe 2014 will be the year for me to find someone who’s willing to mentor me! 🙂

7. Find a mentee

I sort of found on this year, but not really. Though… I could probably find one through the next tangible goal…

8. Be part of another ministry at Newsong

I was part of the Muffin Ministry this year as well as the morning prayer ministry, but during this period of “inward growth” I took a step back and I still want to find ministry I can be consistently a part of. I’m hoping nothing on the level of leading any ministry, but something more personal.

9. Collaborate with Mark to launch the first phase of Inspire Ave

I’ve been looking for a partner to build some kind of cool app or something. Turns out the guy found me at the start of the summer. We’re planning on building something that could change the outlook of finance. I can’t go into details yet, but I’m sure you’ll be hearing about it here and there on this blog mainly because Inspire Ave is Kingdom focus.

The first phase of the project consists of launching a marketable website, the RESTful API, and prototype mobile app (most likely HTML5-based for the prototyping). This is completely doable even with my current full-time job.

10. Visit my dad at least once every six weeks.

It was once a month, but considering I only see him and his wife on major holidays, I think once ever a six weeks is a pretty good start.

My dad an I haven’t been very close. I had this feeling over the summer that I should forgive as I grew up without him. God also (strongly) nudged me that I need to honor him despite his past (this goes the same for my mom). In 2014 I want to make the small steps to do just that. I don’t know what it means to honor your parents, but if it’s nothing like honoring God, it’s time.

11. Relaunch (yup, again) twinwork.net using WordPress instead of your custom platform.

So I did launch twinwork.net very early on this year with this platform I wrote using the Yii framework. So many things happened that I just couldn’t complete it. It was supposed to be something along the lines of a tech blogging platform. There so many of those, there really is no point  keep writing it. That’s why I want to finally give up my goal of creating a self-evolving blog that is twinwork.net and just use WordPress (which singlethread.org uses).

Though, the Twinwork Platform is not a complete lost. I just finished organizing the components and it’s going to be used for Inspire Ave.

12. Update your resume and LinkedIn profile and keep it current for every project you complete

This is something I’ve been meaning to do for awhile, but I have this eerie feeling that I’ll be glad I complete this goal very early in 2014 that later.

13. Upgrade your computer gear! (this will be the year, really!)

Yup, I failed at this for 2013, but it’s here again for 2014! Honestly, most of this list is finance related, and I wouldn’t be surprised if this is pushed off for 2015. But it’s here just in case I find myself amazingly financially blessed (more so than now) that will be able to accomplish this goal.

14. Start and end every single day with your first love, your Father, your Savior, your Creator—our Mighty God.

I want to get better at this. I could look back at 2013 and say that I did an okay job with it, but seeing what He’s done in my life thus far, I really do want to give Him my all and definitely want to start and end my days with Him.

As I mentioned earlier, this list seemed very financial fueled (which includes Inspire Ave). There’s nothing related to my other hobbies in music of photography. I feel I need to enter a time of a bit of planning my future made with His wisdom. I know there’s still a lot of stuff (and things) I want to do, but it feels I need to make it right first and plan accordingly for years to go come. So yeah—2014 seems like a year filled with financial discipline! It doesn’t sound as fun as the tangible goals for 2013, but I’m still looking forward to it!

  1. I’m not counting my low interest student loans. I’ll take my sweet time paying those off for the next few years. [↩]
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Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Pastor Mike Erre shared this poem to help visualize what repentance means to him.  The reference can be found in the last sermon in EvFree Fullerton’s Sex, Love & God: All Things New. 

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

Copyright © 1993, by Portia Nelson from the book There’s A Hole in My Sidewalk. Beyond Words Publishing, Hillsboro, Oregon.

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Remembering in Gratitude

People in the states call today Black Friday. It’s considered the first official Christmas shopping day of the year. They call it Black Friday because it’s supposedly the one day in the year retailers are able to “get back in the black” from this one day of shopping. I call it Black Friday because of the chaos, greed, and the pure ugliness what people are willing to do to get a better deal. And you know what my favorite part about Black Friday is? It follows Thanksgiving—a day where we lift up our gratitude for all the things up until that day, and we find ourselves immediately discontent with said things and want to find more stuff to satisfy us right after celebrating Thanksgiving dinner.

I’m the last person to past judgement on anyone who partakes in Black Friday. You may not find me in anywhere near any retail outlet today, but I do find myself checking out sales on the Internet through this entire weekend. My inbox this morning was filled with sales and deals from Amazon, Zappos, Newegg, eBay… the list goes on forever. I would like to say that I am impervious to their marketing, but deep down in my heart I do think, “If I only had this brand new <insert-awesome-new-thing>, it would make my life better.” With that very thought passing through my mind, I am no better than anyone else.

It’s not just in the retail space where I find myself discontent. I heard through the posts of Facebook a friend of mine finally proposed to his long-time girlfriend. They shared so much history together, it was inevitable that they were going to be married. I was excited for them—I congratulated them. But when I looked through the photos of their engagement celebration, the thought crept in wondering when will I get to have that experience? My friend just got promoted in his company, his career is taking off. From outside looking in, it seems like he’s at the top of his game. “When will I be there?” I thought.

It’s like I threw away every thing that was good before those moments. Why is it I always want more and can never be content what I have now? Why do I never remember where I was—selfishly being in the darkness pushing my LORD away?

I found myself wanting to train my mind—my heart—for Thanksgiving. I can’t think of being thankful for the sake of being thankful. There isn’t much weight behind that thought. But I wanted to remember where I was and how my sovereign and loving Father took me out from the mire and lifted me and placed me on His shoulders. I wanted to remember while in this earthly body, I am always going to be a work in progress. The life that I live and the predicaments I found myself is part of a larger story being written in the story of this world. How I respond with free will choice is a decision whether or not I love and trust my Maker. And when I find myself where I think I’m in darkness alone, will I remember the time when He found me and rescued me time and time again? I must remember all those things to be truly grateful and content.

Realizing that maybe it’s just another step I’m taking to grow in the Spirit.