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Inward Growth

It was clear to me that 2013 was going to be split in quarters for me. It was pretty obvious when I chased the 13th tangible goal. The end of that story and the beginning of new one—to serve with utmost obedience and joy—started at the start of April. I found myself more involved with church—whether that be a small group (two, actually), a feeding ministry, our normal Young Adults group, a leadership group, a morning prayer team that met twice a week, or just serving communion on Sundays. I was doing a lot. I knew this would happen when I stuck to my decision to not say “no” to anyone who asks for help. I would definitely have to say that I have successfully crossed out tangible goal #5 because of that.

As tired as I was participating in all of these different groups and ministries as well as balancing a full time job, I knew burn out was just around the corner. Many of my own peers constantly reminded me of this. Burn out from ministry happened to me before1, and I knew at this rate it will happen again. But every single time I would pray about it—whether or not I should step back from one or two (or even most) ministries, every being of me told me that I am to endure it through at this time. I would not only endure, but I need to do so with a renewed joy and happiness from within. I am to always look to God for rest and the energy I needed. The energy I needed to keep going wasn’t mine, and I knew I could do what I was doing because He called me to do so. The things I did was out of love for my God—in complete obedience.  I just knew the end of this kind of participation—which I always referred to as my “outward growth” phase—was going to come again at the end of the September. I had this feeling when I took a co-leader position for Muffin Ministry.

But that time was always a bit arbitrary in my head. I knew there were a number of people that I met at Newsong that were going to leave. They were off to find new work. They were going to graduate school. Everyone called it a “new season” in life—in both individuals and community groups. I hoped that time would also be mine. During my time with God, I would always ask if this season is coming to an end, and if so what is the next season supposed to be like. I find myself seeing hints of “inward growth”. I didn’t quite understand what that was supposed to be. I didn’t understand why I would go back to that because I felt that’s what I was doing for the past two years before I came down to Irvine—self discovery and seeking out the uniqueness of who He’s made me to be.

It wasn’t until the third quarter when God blessed me with a very unexpected and beautiful relationship. It was nearing the end of that quarter what I knew He’s called me to. And honestly, it really solidified this idea after my girlfriend left for Spain.2

And really, this next season of my life—at least until mid-2014 if not longer—is centered around what Paul wrote to the Galatians:

“So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions. But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law of Moses.

“When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.

“But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

“Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another.”

– The Apostle Paul, Galatians 5:16-26 NLT

My focus is the fruit of the Spirit. We do not grow the fruit. Only the Holy Spirit will grow the fruit. We are no different than a farmer preparing the land to allow God to do His good work in us to let us grow into the Christ-like being we were designed for. It is in that I am to put my focus and energy. And I can honestly say that things will get harder and harder as I get closer to where He wants me to be. This is not to say that when I am finished with this season I will be the Christian follower I sought out for. No. But I feel I will reach a new level of understanding of God’s love for me and drive and passion to love others.

And there’s one thing extremely important about growth in the Spirit. The fruit that Paul writes about is its singular form. The fruit of the Spirit is all these things Paul wrote about: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness gentleness, and self-control. It’s all these things that will grow together. The fruit concatenates all these things and the true work of the Holy Spirit in us will grow this fruit at once.

At the time of this writing, I find myself impatient. In my search to condition my patience, I cannot do so in a vacuum.  I have to take in the other entities Paul writes about as I gain more patience. I do not do these things on my own. I have to ask the Spirit to work in me. That I do so with the faithfulness He has called me to have. That I may have patience and act out of love, kindness, and gentleness. From that I have an authentic outwardly appearance of joy and goodness. And in that the Spirit continues to grow that I may have peace and complete self-control over the situation that God has placed me so I may grow and serve for His purpose.

It’s only been a month. Every week with every day brings something new to test my endurance. I am already growing weary. Just like I did before in the first three quarters of this year, I must look to God for rest and energy. With Him I can do all things.

  1. I graduated from APU with a BA in Christian Ministry. My last year I needed to be an intern at a church. I interned at my home church at WVCC in Northridge—which was a 100 mile round trip drive. I needed to be out there three times a week. I was so burnt out of doing ministry, I knew I didn’t have the passion or drive to become a professional minister. I backed down from the prospects of doing ministry full time ever since. It’s taken me close to 8 years to get back into any kind of ministry at a church. Burn out is seriously bad. [↩]
  2. At the time of this writing, I still haven’t written this story. But in a nutshell, we did decide to do a long distance relationship. This is something I have never done before and am still scared how to this properly without being an idiot or just straight out losing her. She’ll be gone until next summer. [↩]
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Whatever you do, do well

#yopro Wed 1/30 prayer & worship setlist

 

I had the privilege to lead worship for my small group a couple weeks ago. I came in moderately prepared. Prior to this, I haven’t lead any kind of worship for roughly seven years, so I knew I was going to be rusty in both singing and playing as well as just an overall leader. Now, my small group isn’t large (did the word “small” give it away?), but I still felt a bit nervous playing and leading people. I think I messed up at least four or five times, but it didn’t matter too much, I kept moving my focus from me to God, and the night ended in a joyous time of prayer and worship.

When I got home that night, I felt bad about how I performed. I didn’t care so much how I performed in front of my peers. Sure, it may have been a tiny bit embarrassing that it was obvious I didn’t practice as much as I could have, but felt bad how I performed in worship in front of God. When I look at what He’s given me—not things, but raw talent and skill—I felt I didn’t honor Him by not honing my God given abilities.

I’m reminded of the the parable of the three servants.1 The master entrusted his servants with bags of silver. Two of the three servants doubled the master’s fortune, while the last one horded his share of silver and did nothing with it. The last servant was so scared that he might lose what his master gave him and stored it away in a safe place effectively where no one, not even the servant, could ever make use of it. The master became upset at this third servant that he took away the silver and gave it to the first servant (whom it seemed like the master entrusted the most considering the first servant was given 3 more bags of silver over the second servant).

To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have abundance. But from those who do nothing, even what little they have will be taken away.2

In its common context, this parable represents the monetary resources God gives us and our how we ought to be responsible stewards of said resources. When He entrusts us with His resources and we do well with what He’s given us, He is willing to give us more responsibility3 to even more resources.

So how does this relate to my ability to lead in worship? I believe the talents He gifted me with is also a resource that I’m responsible over. Did He bless me to be naturally perfect in these talents? No, but He has blessed me with the desire to be better and hone these skills He’s given me… whether those skills is musically, photographically, or programmatically, I owe it to Him to excel to the best of my own ability before He grants me more responsibility in those areas. I’m not striving for perfection (only He is perfect), I ought to keep striving for excellence so that He may be glorified.

Whatever you do, do well.4

  1. Matthew 25:14-30 [↩]
  2. Matthew 25:29 NLT [↩]
  3. Matthew 25:21, 23 [↩]
  4. Ecclesiastes 9:10a NLT [↩]
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Whose Will?

I may have jumped the gun on my 13 tangible goals for 2013. I did preface the post that it was initially a joke and it now seems like it’s a list I can actually accomplish. Despite the first week of this year starting very strong for me, I felt a lot of anxiety and doubt at the end of 2013’s second week. I kept thinking about this list and my approach didn’t seem right. I felt very confident about this list. I was quickly reminded of James:

Look here, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a profit.” How do you know your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.” Otherwise you are boasting about your own plans, and all such boasting is evil. Remember, it is a sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it.1

I should have also prefaced the goal list that it is something I will do if it is God’s will for me to do it. I thought about that for a bit. And it sort of blew my mind. This list, of course, is more or less aligned with my own desires. I believe, for the most part, those desires are more aligned with God than the desires of the world. Sure, some things on that list I could definitely do without (like the camera and computer), and some could argue some of those things that I want is also part of the desires of this world. So are those desires, those goals, are they from God? Or are they from the world?

Here’s the part that really blew my mind. If the goals are from God—that it is His will and it will be done. As far as when it will be done? I guess that’s all up to Him and my willingness to obey. But when God wills it, it will happen. So what I need to do is assess which goals are really desires from Him or desires of the world. I don’t want to bother with the world’s desires. Achieving those desires usually requires more work than they are worth and it comes with a lot of stress, anxiety, disappointment, and—most of all—unfulfillment.2  God’s desires, His will for us, is something completely out of love and the journey to award us is in itself can be a mind blowing experience.

 

  1. James 4:13-17 NLT [↩]
  2. Oh sure, getting that new car, that new computer, that new camera, that new toy can be fun and exciting, but that new shiny thing will never completely fulfill what I truly desire—something I’m still not sure what, but I know God knows and I want to follow Him just so I can find out [↩]
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In God I trust

Do not let your hearts be troubled, Trust in God; trust also in me (John 14:1)

The following was originally written on May 23rd in a Moleskine I keep with me for taking notes.  Every once in awhile, I’ll write a stream of thought.  This piece has been duplicated on this post without alteration to the stream of thought.

Mark 6:25-34

I am told not to worry about the details of this world.  He says not to worry about tomorrow.  I should not need to worry about the food I need, the clothes over me, or whether or not I am provided shelter.

Abandon these things of the world—not personally, but quit searching for it. Seek God first, not these little details of the world.  God promises He will provide.

What’s really stopping me from walking in faith?  He is there by my side.  He pulls me forward in the direction I asked for.  He’s feeding me the knowledge I need to understand that this is what I need to do—where I am going—what worldly things I need to leave behind.

Despite my current worldly struggles and sins, I don’t feel Him abandoning me now nor forever.  He is implanted in me.  Trust Him.  Walk forward in faith.  He will provide every need.

This was my first step in trusting God.  The second step was to Job’s story.  In case you haven’t read Job, here’s the gist of it.  Job loved and feared the Lord and because of this he was blessed with a fruitful life.  God allowed the devil to take away anything and everything important to Job.  He didn’t understand why and cried out to the Lord why these horrible events has happened to him.  At that point the skies opened up and God reminded Job his awesomeness of God (beings in Job 38).  Don’t forget, God is and always is in control.

Once I realized I can authentically trust God that my life is clearly in His hands, I moved on to the next step: planning.  When I’m planning, do not ever forget to put God first.  If the Holy Spirit is truly moving in you, you can and will make every decision that crosses your path with the wisdom provided by God through the Holy Spirit.  You are still making the decisions (make no mistake that you will always have your free will), but the Holy Spirit will guide you appropriately.

To man belongs the plans of the heart,
but from the Lord comes the reply of the tongue (Proverbs 16:1)

Commit to the Lord whatever you do,
and your plans will succeed. (Proverbs 16:3)

In his heart a man plans his course,
but the Lord determines his steps. (Proverbs 16:9)

God’s will becomes yours.  Pray. Speak. Listen, carefully.

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Committed

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.  Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you.  Away from me, you evildoers!'” (Matthew 7:21-23, NIV)

Anyone can believe and acknowledge the existence of God, His Son, the crucifixion and the resurrection.  But believing is not enough.  Even the demons believe (James 2:19).  What do I need to do to separate myself from just a believer to an actual follower of Christ?

I, personally, needed to ask myself, “If Jesus were to walk in my shoes, would He really do what I do?”  I cannot live life in a way where I do what I want and pray that God will always forgive my sinful decisions.  That is not the way to live as a Christian. Do not live by grace alone.  Just because we will be forgiven, it doesn’t mean we should keep sinning (Romans 6:1-2).

I can no longer be just a believer.  I need to fully devote my life to His teachings.  I need to be committed 100% to God.  But I know I cannot do this alone.  I need God to work through me.  The actions I take should be directly from Him—inspired and worked through by the Holy Spirit.  This requires me to give myself up for Him that way I can find the life worth living for (Matthew 16:25).

From this day forward, I will commit my life to Jesus Christ.  Let His will be done through me.

So… exactly where do I begin?