After the 13th tangible goal, part 3
There are three posts to this story. The first post is the first half recollection of events. The second post is the second half recollection of events. The third post contains the reflection in the aftermath of those events. Due to the amount of detail of the first two recollection posts in this series, I am not going to publicly publish them. To my close friends to whom I already shared bits and pieces of this story, I will gladly give you the passwords when you ask for it. I will, however, publicly post the reflection of the story.
I don’t want to over analyze what just happened over the last month. Even though I was given this idea—a vision—I could not claim I completely understood it nor did I know how it were to come into fruition. I do not know God’s plans. For the first half of the story, I knew I needed to take life one day at a time. I were to completely surrender myself to Him daily so that He may use me.
It was that discipline of opening every morning with an intimate prayer and consuming His Word that allowed me to see what He wanted me to see. What He showed me was this constant theme.
I can place you wherever I want whenever I want.
That was what I heard over and over again when I found myself experiencing new things with new people. When I felt I didn’t have the confidence in creating meaningful relationships, He empowered me to do just by placing me exactly where He wanted me to be. All I needed to be is me—the renewed me in which He’s been continually molding me to become that Christ-like man after His own heart.
The second point I experienced was identifying the resonance of the Holy Spirit. During the first half of the story, I felt so attuned to God’s voice that I finally knew what it felt like when He’s given me a command that I ought to obey without hesitation. That took place in the first morning prayer meeting I went to. At that time, I recently changed my ideology of prayer of not to pray what I desire (from a worldly point of view), but ask God to place His desire for me in me and pray that prayer out. I so deeply wanted to find my Holy discontent that I needed to search for what breaks His heart so it would also break mine.
Also related to this type of prayer is an overall common theme that I may have already mentioned about it for the last half of 2012. I know God created me in this unique and special way where He knows everything about me—including these desires that I long for. But I wanted to make a conscious decision daily that I put my trust and faith in Him and ask to strip away all those desires so that it is only Him I keep seeking. He knows I want authentic relationships. He knows I want a wife and a family. He built that into me. But I want to put all of those things aside this burning desire to get to know my Creator. I know He will take care of me and fulfill all those other things in His timing.
And again to reinforce His timing, I know He can place me anywhere and at any time according to His will. Sure, the first two times in a row it happened in my story—sure, just a coincidence. Three times in a row? Okay, was I reaching for that third time to make it three times in a row? Four times in a row? He showed me that he could place me where He wanted to when He wanted to five times in a row.
Another important point that I found in this story He placed me in is that obedience for God is how we act out our love for Him. This played out along with being attuned to His Spirit. I waited when He told me to wait. I went when He told me go. I wanted to be just a leaf in the wind where He would take me from place to place. And after the fifth time He showed me He could do just that, I had deep seeded feeling that I were to take the next step out. Visually, I saw those five opportunities of Him placing this door right in front of me. I’ve been giving up my own will on a daily basis just so that He would enact His will upon me. Opportunity after opportunity, door after door, He told me if I so desired what He showed me, walk through that door. This next action, this command, was to walk through that door in obedience.
It wasn’t until I was able to retell the first third of the story to a friend of mine when I realized that to not obey was to not love God. Even though the command given me was something I was a bit scared to do, the idea of not loving God was even scarier. That’s why I immediately told my friend that the next opportunity I have to carry out what God asked me to do, I will do it. And that’s why not more than ten minutes or so after that, God once again placed me in the right place at the right time to do just that.
I think the most significant point of the story is my downfall. Despite being attuned to His Spirit and that His presence was clearly evident, I took it upon myself to do things my way. God did all the work in this story. He was the one who placed me. He was the one that paced her. He told me to do one thing and only one thing: ask her. But after carrying out that one order, all of a sudden I felt I ought to take action with everything else.
I was told to stay and wait. The first week it was difficult to abide to staying and waiting. Even though I knew He is at work where I could not see Him, and that I He had already proven to me time and time again that He is the one working for my good and that He is able to do things I could never do on my own, I insisted to try it on my own anyway.
And it was like my eyes opened up to the reality of how I would live without God. Everything I did was harder. Every conversation I tried to strike up ended me striking out. My identity was being built on the foundation of God’s working hands in me, and I went out into the world on my own volition without Him. I failed miserably on my own. It hurt emotionally. But I asked for His forgiveness, but what I did has already been done and needed to reap what I sowed. He also showed me there is healing. There is hope when there is faith. Everything will be okay.
So where do I go from here? Doing things my way is hard. I’m going back to Him. And what about this gift—this vision—He showed me? I’m going back to putting my trust and faith in Him. That vision I had is out there—she’s out there. It will be in His timing, not mine. He showed me these things can happen fast (like two weeks kind of fast). Let me go back to Him.
Protected: After the 13th tangible goal, part 2
Protected: After the 13th tangible goal, part 1
In Him, I wait
This is pretty difficult write without going into a mountain’s worth of detail. And this post most likely won’t make any sense since I’m only writing because I felt compelled to. Yup, I’m rambling here.
There’s a story currently unfolding in my life, and I can’t tell it because I haven’t experienced the end yet. When I get there, then I’ll be able to share the beauty, love, and joy that God shared with me. But as of right now, I feel I’m in a lull in the story—or maybe I’m stuck between acts 2 and 3. I’m not really sure. And trying to explain this feeling without actually telling the story (trust me, I just deleted a number of paragraphs before typing this sentence), just leads to more nonsensical rambling. So I’m going to just share this (emphasis mine):
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you now that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.1
I must’ve read these verses over a hundred times over the years. Usually when I feel a bit lost, find myself in the valley, or just wondering “why”, I’ll turn to James (as well as Job). But this time around, the last part really stuck out to me. Why do I need to persevere now?
Back in October, I asked God to shape and mold me to be the man He wants me to be. I lost my life to Christ so He could save it. In the last few months of reading, prayer, and growing closer to God, He showed me something so beautiful, so wonderful, so loving, so unbelievable and it made me realize how much I’ve grown to be the man He wants me to be. Though, I am incomplete. I feel He placed me exactly where I am to go through these trials and persevere so I can be complete.
Does that mean God is done shaping me? No, far from it. But it feels like I hit particular phase or level in my spiritual journey with God that it’s about to be completed if I’m able to hold on and persevere just a little longer. I think my story will be finished then. And only then I’ll be able to make sense of this poorly written post… really!
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters, Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger, In the presence of my Savior
- James 1:4:5 [↩]
Love Came Down
I’m looking around for new music to play for worship, and recalled this gem:
Whatever you do, do well
I had the privilege to lead worship for my small group a couple weeks ago. I came in moderately prepared. Prior to this, I haven’t lead any kind of worship for roughly seven years, so I knew I was going to be rusty in both singing and playing as well as just an overall leader. Now, my small group isn’t large (did the word “small” give it away?), but I still felt a bit nervous playing and leading people. I think I messed up at least four or five times, but it didn’t matter too much, I kept moving my focus from me to God, and the night ended in a joyous time of prayer and worship.
When I got home that night, I felt bad about how I performed. I didn’t care so much how I performed in front of my peers. Sure, it may have been a tiny bit embarrassing that it was obvious I didn’t practice as much as I could have, but felt bad how I performed in worship in front of God. When I look at what He’s given me—not things, but raw talent and skill—I felt I didn’t honor Him by not honing my God given abilities.
I’m reminded of the the parable of the three servants.1 The master entrusted his servants with bags of silver. Two of the three servants doubled the master’s fortune, while the last one horded his share of silver and did nothing with it. The last servant was so scared that he might lose what his master gave him and stored it away in a safe place effectively where no one, not even the servant, could ever make use of it. The master became upset at this third servant that he took away the silver and gave it to the first servant (whom it seemed like the master entrusted the most considering the first servant was given 3 more bags of silver over the second servant).
To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have abundance. But from those who do nothing, even what little they have will be taken away.2
In its common context, this parable represents the monetary resources God gives us and our how we ought to be responsible stewards of said resources. When He entrusts us with His resources and we do well with what He’s given us, He is willing to give us more responsibility3 to even more resources.
So how does this relate to my ability to lead in worship? I believe the talents He gifted me with is also a resource that I’m responsible over. Did He bless me to be naturally perfect in these talents? No, but He has blessed me with the desire to be better and hone these skills He’s given me… whether those skills is musically, photographically, or programmatically, I owe it to Him to excel to the best of my own ability before He grants me more responsibility in those areas. I’m not striving for perfection (only He is perfect), I ought to keep striving for excellence so that He may be glorified.
Whatever you do, do well.4
Whose Will?
I may have jumped the gun on my 13 tangible goals for 2013. I did preface the post that it was initially a joke and it now seems like it’s a list I can actually accomplish. Despite the first week of this year starting very strong for me, I felt a lot of anxiety and doubt at the end of 2013’s second week. I kept thinking about this list and my approach didn’t seem right. I felt very confident about this list. I was quickly reminded of James:
Look here, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a profit.” How do you know your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog—it’s here a little while, then it’s gone. What you ought to say is, “If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.” Otherwise you are boasting about your own plans, and all such boasting is evil. Remember, it is a sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it.1
I should have also prefaced the goal list that it is something I will do if it is God’s will for me to do it. I thought about that for a bit. And it sort of blew my mind. This list, of course, is more or less aligned with my own desires. I believe, for the most part, those desires are more aligned with God than the desires of the world. Sure, some things on that list I could definitely do without (like the camera and computer), and some could argue some of those things that I want is also part of the desires of this world. So are those desires, those goals, are they from God? Or are they from the world?
Here’s the part that really blew my mind. If the goals are from God—that it is His will and it will be done. As far as when it will be done? I guess that’s all up to Him and my willingness to obey. But when God wills it, it will happen. So what I need to do is assess which goals are really desires from Him or desires of the world. I don’t want to bother with the world’s desires. Achieving those desires usually requires more work than they are worth and it comes with a lot of stress, anxiety, disappointment, and—most of all—unfulfillment.2 God’s desires, His will for us, is something completely out of love and the journey to award us is in itself can be a mind blowing experience.
- James 4:13-17 NLT [↩]
- Oh sure, getting that new car, that new computer, that new camera, that new toy can be fun and exciting, but that new shiny thing will never completely fulfill what I truly desire—something I’m still not sure what, but I know God knows and I want to follow Him just so I can find out [↩]
P.366-2012
I figure I’d share all the photos1 I took last year for a photography project I failed miserably at. Of the 366 days, I remembered to shoot for about 123 of them. I pretty much quit at around May or something. I just couldn’t keep up between doing a thoughtful daily photo and coded personal projects on the side.
- A possibly nicer view and in-shot-order of this set can be found on my Flickr page [↩]
Thirteen Tangible Goals for 2013
Well, it’s actually 12.
Within the last remaining weeks of 2012, I had an idea to do an Instagram/Facebook post of “13 tangible goals for 2013” where the joke really is the first goal already being crossed out late in 2012 because the goal itself was to write said list. I posted the list and got its share of “likes” on their respective social sites. Then I took a look at the list again, and I though to myself, “I think this list is actually doable.” The list isn’t too broad and for the most part I already know the first steps to accomplish much of the list. So here’s the list and the explanation for it all.
1. Write a tangible goal list for 2013.
My exact words were:
2013 is going to be easy. I already finished one goal before the new year.1
Sweet, got that one out of the way!
2. Launch twinwork.net
This is a pet project that I’ve been working on the last couple of months. I always wanted to relaunch my “techie” website for the last couple of years where I focus in software development and merge (and update) Twinwork NOTES. I’m close. Very close. I expect to “beta” launch the dev blog some time in February with a dozen or so migrated articles from the original NOTES. I expect to do a full marketed launch via the Twitter-verse and name-your-social-site-here by the middle of this year. The development behind this “site” is actually a launching pad for any other web application I create going forward. This is pretty important to me because this will set myself for a new tangible goal for 2014.
3. Create a photography/portfolio blog
I don’t have a normal portfolio website to show off my creations. I figure I’d start with just my photography work in case I get a call for some freelance work. Whether or not I do get work from said site is not the goal, it’s the idea that I am able to show off the non-techie-creative side of me. Between Twinwork, Single Thread, and this new photography site, I’ll be pretty busy generating content.
4. Learn 2 lead rifts in 3 keys on the guitar
That’s what I wrote verbatim, but I really meant learn two common lead scales in three common keys. Notice I didn’t just put “practice the guitar every other day” or “learn to play the guitar better” or something along those lines. For this particular goal, I knew I needed to add something very specific to it. It also already has built-in milestones: 2 scales in 3 keys gives it 6 milestone points.
This is also a stepping stone goal. Again, the broader idea is to “be better at playing the guitar”, but writing out tangible steps as the goal and accomplishing it might just motivate me to learn more scales in more keys and I will get better at playing.
5. Serve in at least one ministry at Newsong
I’ve been out of doing any consistent church ministry for probably about 7 years now. God tells me I need to serve. It’s a desire and a command that I need to do this. As for where? I have no idea. The new church I’ve been going to has a number of ministries where I could get involved as well as a service where you can consult with them to help you discover where you can best serve. This idea is extremely important to me. Organizations need to put the right people in the right roles. Even if that organization is mainly ran by volunteers. I could serve in any ministry at the moment until I finish my FLOW consultation with Newsong, but it’s not like I’m doing absolutely nothing now. (Oh yeah, and I finally did finish the three worksheets for FLOW, so all I need to do is turn it in and wait for the appointment!)
As mentioned in my 2012 review, God has placed me in two groups: the young adults group at Newsong and a brand new small group. Sure, my current involvement in both groups isn’t formal enough to earn me any “ministry credits”2, but I feel I’m involved with a community and I firmly believe I have so much experience and knowledge in the waiting and suffering in my 20s where I can totally empathize with people in those groups. But I will find a solid, consistent ministry to be a part of at my new church!
6. Find and learn from at least one mentor
No doubt this is going to be difficult for me. I’m hoping the more I get involved in the church, I will be able to find a leader and identify him or her as that mentor role.
7. Find one person to mentor
Wait, what? How does that work? A pastor once told me that we should have these three things in life for learning (mentorships?): have a mentor, have equals or peers in your field, and be a mentor. It’s also implied this is for your field, but it could also be life in general. For me, professionally, I have many peers in my field to consult with. I don’t have a single go-to mentor who is also teaching me his ways. In turn, I also don’t have my own apprentice to mentor.3
For both mentor-related goals, I’m actually talking about in my discipline and learning God’s Word and discovering more about myself how I fit in God’s plan. I so desperately want to find a mentor to accomplish that as well as find someone I can impart my own experience and knowledge. These are going to be difficult goals.
8. Post a story to singlethread.org once a month
Again, verbatim, but I really meant some kind of post to this site at least once a month (sure beats once a year, right?). Hey! January is done with!
9. Fly to Hawaii to see Joel (and Iron Man 3) to celebrate our 20th friendiversary!
Joel is one of my best friends. I couldn’t believe we’ve known each for 20 years. Sure, like any relationship, we’ve had our ups and downs. We shared a long history, and one of these days I would love to tell part of his story.
So what’s the deal with Iron Man 3? Well, back in 2010, Joel dropped me a text one week and asked me what was I doing the following weekend. At the time, chances are I was probably planning on doing some kind of raid in World of Warcraft. He told me I should come out to Hawaii to see Iron Man 2. Yeah, and that’s exactly what I did. I figure I should book my ticket by February and I’ll be good to go on this goal!
10. …And fly Joel out here to see Hillsong
Hillsong will be out here doing a concert in LA some time in the fall. Joel is the one that told me about it. He really wants to come out here and see them. He’s still figuring out the logistics how that will happen. I don’t know if he was just planning on coming out here for a few days by himself or with his entire family. I figure I’d surprise him and just fly him out here. I haven’t told him anything about it… so, Joel, if you manage to stumble upon this post… surprise, I’ll fly you out to SoCal!
11. Build that new computer!
This computer I’m typing this article on is getting old. I mean, it works just fine as long as I need to surf the web, listen to iTunes or Spotify, and add these posts in Word Press, but when it comes to development, it’s painful. It’s time to upgrade—something I’ve been meaning to do the last two years.
12. Buy that D800 & 105mm macro lens
Both points above would be pretty easy if I didn’t already have this other goal that I never bother to put on the list: save 4-6 months worth of income in case of an emergency. That computer on my Newegg wish list: probably about 3 months worth of saving. This D800 and 105mm macro lens? That’s about 4-5 months worth of saving. So yeah, even both of these are on the list for 2013, it won’t be a big deal if it slips to 2014. Here’s my sane logic.
My goal in 2012 was to finally pay off my credit card debt that I accrued for the latter half of 2010, 2011, and 2012. I did reach that goal by January 1st, 2013. Yup, I did it, and it felt awesome! So before I go crazy to max out my credit card by buying this stuff I want, I ended up programming a Google Spreadsheet to calculate how much something would cost by the time I paid it off. Seeing the amount of interest I would pay definitely deters me from buying anything on credit—especially when that something is computer tech which gets outdated the moment they ship the product to you. Anyway, so for this entire year, I’m only buying anything if I have the cash for it (unless it’s an emergency… like car repair or something like that). That means if I fail to both build a computer and that photography gear, I still win because I have accrued a good amount of cash into my high interest savings account. Then I can finally spend a bit of it in 2014. So, I already win no matter what (as long as I continue to be debt free through 2013).
Oh yeah, I also wanted to add there’s no way I can buy the D800 without a new computer just because my current computer can’t even handle the images my D7000 produces and a D800 produces images more than twice the size.
13. Be her Adam for your Eve
Honestly, this is one goal that’s not up to me. Instead, I’ll leave this one up to God if He sees it fit for me to finally meet, court, and win my Eve over this year. In the meantime, I have 11 solid compelling goals to aim for. If I can do all these other things on the list prior to the end of 2013, I’ll pray really hard that God helps me finish out this year by completing the last goal for me.
Besides, did you see this list? I’m going to be really busy in 2013. Eve really needs to be the last one on this list otherwise I’ll never get anything done! Honestly, I’ve never been so happy to be single seeing the freedom that I have to do these things.
2013 is going to rock!
- http://instagram.com/p/T3tDtcsgS6/ [↩]
- When I went to Azusa Pacific University, every student needed to log a certain number of ministry credits (in hours served) before graduating. [↩]
- Even though twinwork.net is going to be a teaching platform for development, that’s not an intimate interaction which would take place in a mentorship. [↩]