There are three posts to this story. The first post is the first half recollection of events. The second post is the second half recollection of events. The third post contains the reflection in the aftermath of those events. Due to the amount of detail of the first two recollection posts in this series, I am not going to publicly publish them. To my close friends to whom I already shared bits and pieces of this story, I will gladly give you the passwords when you ask for it. I will, however, publicly post the reflection of the story.
I don’t want to over analyze what just happened over the last month. Even though I was given this idea—a vision—I could not claim I completely understood it nor did I know how it were to come into fruition. I do not know God’s plans. For the first half of the story, I knew I needed to take life one day at a time. I were to completely surrender myself to Him daily so that He may use me.
It was that discipline of opening every morning with an intimate prayer and consuming His Word that allowed me to see what He wanted me to see. What He showed me was this constant theme.
I can place you wherever I want whenever I want.
That was what I heard over and over again when I found myself experiencing new things with new people. When I felt I didn’t have the confidence in creating meaningful relationships, He empowered me to do just by placing me exactly where He wanted me to be. All I needed to be is me—the renewed me in which He’s been continually molding me to become that Christ-like man after His own heart.
The second point I experienced was identifying the resonance of the Holy Spirit. During the first half of the story, I felt so attuned to God’s voice that I finally knew what it felt like when He’s given me a command that I ought to obey without hesitation. That took place in the first morning prayer meeting I went to. At that time, I recently changed my ideology of prayer of not to pray what I desire (from a worldly point of view), but ask God to place His desire for me in me and pray that prayer out. I so deeply wanted to find my Holy discontent that I needed to search for what breaks His heart so it would also break mine.
Also related to this type of prayer is an overall common theme that I may have already mentioned about it for the last half of 2012. I know God created me in this unique and special way where He knows everything about me—including these desires that I long for. But I wanted to make a conscious decision daily that I put my trust and faith in Him and ask to strip away all those desires so that it is only Him I keep seeking. He knows I want authentic relationships. He knows I want a wife and a family. He built that into me. But I want to put all of those things aside this burning desire to get to know my Creator. I know He will take care of me and fulfill all those other things in His timing.
And again to reinforce His timing, I know He can place me anywhere and at any time according to His will. Sure, the first two times in a row it happened in my story—sure, just a coincidence. Three times in a row? Okay, was I reaching for that third time to make it three times in a row? Four times in a row? He showed me that he could place me where He wanted to when He wanted to five times in a row.
Another important point that I found in this story He placed me in is that obedience for God is how we act out our love for Him. This played out along with being attuned to His Spirit. I waited when He told me to wait. I went when He told me go. I wanted to be just a leaf in the wind where He would take me from place to place. And after the fifth time He showed me He could do just that, I had deep seeded feeling that I were to take the next step out. Visually, I saw those five opportunities of Him placing this door right in front of me. I’ve been giving up my own will on a daily basis just so that He would enact His will upon me. Opportunity after opportunity, door after door, He told me if I so desired what He showed me, walk through that door. This next action, this command, was to walk through that door in obedience.
It wasn’t until I was able to retell the first third of the story to a friend of mine when I realized that to not obey was to not love God. Even though the command given me was something I was a bit scared to do, the idea of not loving God was even scarier. That’s why I immediately told my friend that the next opportunity I have to carry out what God asked me to do, I will do it. And that’s why not more than ten minutes or so after that, God once again placed me in the right place at the right time to do just that.
I think the most significant point of the story is my downfall. Despite being attuned to His Spirit and that His presence was clearly evident, I took it upon myself to do things my way. God did all the work in this story. He was the one who placed me. He was the one that paced her. He told me to do one thing and only one thing: ask her. But after carrying out that one order, all of a sudden I felt I ought to take action with everything else.
I was told to stay and wait. The first week it was difficult to abide to staying and waiting. Even though I knew He is at work where I could not see Him, and that I He had already proven to me time and time again that He is the one working for my good and that He is able to do things I could never do on my own, I insisted to try it on my own anyway.
And it was like my eyes opened up to the reality of how I would live without God. Everything I did was harder. Every conversation I tried to strike up ended me striking out. My identity was being built on the foundation of God’s working hands in me, and I went out into the world on my own volition without Him. I failed miserably on my own. It hurt emotionally. But I asked for His forgiveness, but what I did has already been done and needed to reap what I sowed. He also showed me there is healing. There is hope when there is faith. Everything will be okay.
So where do I go from here? Doing things my way is hard. I’m going back to Him. And what about this gift—this vision—He showed me? I’m going back to putting my trust and faith in Him. That vision I had is out there—she’s out there. It will be in His timing, not mine. He showed me these things can happen fast (like two weeks kind of fast). Let me go back to Him.