Where the Time Has Gone

I do this every year… except for the year ending 2011.¹ So I figure I’d play catch up and write what happened since then. It was also important for me to actually write this before the start of 2013. I know, time is relative, so it doesn’t really matter when I write this particular post, but that relative time of our calendar turning from one year to next is significant symbolism to me to actually stick to what I set out to do and write this year (or in this case years) of review.

Last time around, I wrote that I planned on making 2011 a better year. In a way, it was better in that I had a way better understanding of who I was. I found myself. Prior to that period, if anyway asked me who I was or asked how I identified myself as, I wouldn’t know where to begin. I not only opened up, but I refused to put up some kind of facade of who I was trying to be whenever I met new people. I aimed to be honest and authentic. I didn’t hide the awkward, geeky nature of myself and just sort of embraced it. I mean, up to this point, I was a hardcore World of Warcraft player that took the better half of my 20’s. But with that authenticity and honesty came vulnerability. I went on an emotional roller coaster ride in 2011. I found myself deep in the valley, hidden in the darkness, wondering where hope had run off to. In one hand, love hurt. But it was the love of this world. And it was a love I felt entitled to and that love belonged to me. But no, that love was not mine. On the other hand, there was a different kind of love. This love brought with it an ocean-sized pool of grace, forgiveness, hope, and mending. But I shuttered the latter love just so I can deeply hold onto the former—a selfish love, the world’s love. I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t want to let go.

Despite being surrounded by people who cared for me, I hid my true feelings back into a corner and put up the old protective facade just so I could get through the day. I carried that burden to work. I carried it back home to my sleep. I cried out to God wondering why did He have to take this joy away? I felt I was at my worst—at the very bottom—at the start of September. I went to The Gorge in George, Washington to the Dave Matthews Band. I’ve been a fan of theirs since I moved to Southern California, but it was my first concert. I was a wreck the whole weekend. Despite wanting to see them, I just didn’t want to be there. At the same time, I didn’t want to be home either. I was sick and tired of work. The job itself was too stressful and it was too mundane. And the people I needed to work with felt like they betrayed me. I just couldn’t do the job anymore.

So I asked God to take it all away from me. Take away the pain, the hopelessness, the fear.

The next morning at work. I was laid off.

I smiled I drove back home. I didn’t say a word. I didn’t think what should I being next. I didn’t even question why it happened. In a strange way, this was how He answered to deliver me from the suffering I inflicted on myself.

Once I arrived back at my lonely one bedroom apartment, I chose not to contact anyone. I took my Bible out. I took my guitar out. I started reading. I started praying. I started playing and praising. I wanted to surrendering everything to Him. I acknowledged that I am not in control. I renounced that my will is now His. I thanked God for all things up until this point. I recognized that only He can make all things good. My shortsightedness would never be able to see the thread He’s woven to create the life He wants to give me. The rest of the day I remained in prayer and worship.

The next morning I received a call from my old boss. I didn’t answer. I figure I’ll get back to him later in the week. I still felt I wasn’t done with surrendering myself to God, so I continued. I prayed. I worship. I read His Word. I listened intently to hear if there was anything He wanted to say to me.

I finally returned my old boss’ phone call later in the week. It was unfortunate that he had to remove me from that project. Again, I wasn’t happy on the project anyway, so I didn’t feel too bad. He told me he had another project, but it was limited to a few months. It was a slight dock in pay, but it was something I wanted to do—QA automation programming. It also turned out that particular project was already using a programming language I taught myself over the last ten years. The temporary job couldn’t have been a more perfect fit for me considering the timing.

While on this new project, I was fired up that I was able to create new things at work. Sure, I was essentially only a QA tester, but every challenge that came my way I conquered it with elegance. I realized this natural ability I had design and development truly came from God. I thanked Him every time on a new design or solving a new problem. I learned new design patterns with the testing framework in use. I ended up taking work home with me because I would have an awesome idea how to automate and record a process and continue to design and write it.

But of course, that job was indeed temporary. It was early February, and I found it sooner than expected that I would be laid off again. At least I received a 3 day notice. But I still didn’t have a back up plan. I trust that God was going to put me wherever He wanted me to be whether or not I wanted to be there. That’s the crazy thing about God: the fact that He knows more about you than you will ever know about yourself, He’ll put you in these new situations or places and He knows you’ll love it. I felt invincible with Him at my side.

I immediately applied for my unemployment and polished my resume within the first week or so of being out of work. After that, I just didn’t actively look for work. I mean, I should have. But I felt like I could keep honing my skills. Up to this point, I’ve never been a professional programmer or a software developer. I’ve been doing program and development ever since I moved to Southern California, but I never felt confident to apply for any software position with my seemingly out of place BA in Christian Ministry from APU. So every day, I woke up and I coded. I finally got around to learn to build web applications off of an MVC framework—Yii. I attempted to learn Yii a couple of other times in the past, but now I felt I just had to get down and just do it now matter how counter-intuitive it seemed like at the time. I did this for a number of weeks. I did the math. Between the massive credit card bill I amassed the year before and the normal rent and bills I needed to pay, there just wasn’t enough income to cover the minimal expenses. I knew I could do nothing for about 4 weeks, but I really needed to search for a new job in the following month.

At the end of February, I received a call from an old associate of mine. He started a new company and was looking for a junior developer. I applied and interview for the position. I prepped myself the best I could. I read up on common design patterns and memorized a few examples. This was my first interview for a software developer. I didn’t know what to expect. I just kept hearing tough interviewing stories from big companies like Microsoft and Google.

I interviewed with their senior software engineer. He only asked me about design patterns after I brought it up. I should’ve kept my mouth shut. He tested me on a few patterns and I really didn’t answer them the “correct way”. I was close, but not what one would expect from a programmer that may have actually implemented said pattern. I solved a couple problems as well as writing a few regular expressions by hand. Afterwards, he had me sit with one of their developers and had me assess how I would solve then problem this particular position would be tackling. I didn’t take me more than 5 minutes to give two solid solutions for it. My interview concluded. I didn’t feel completely positive about it. In a way, I didn’t want the job because it was all the way out in Irvine—and that would be horrible commute—unless, of course, it paid well enough so I could move to Irvine.

My friend called me back about the position. It sounded they were putting together a possible offer, but I told them how much I wanted. They couldn’t come close to matching what the industry compensation for that role. They were a start up after all.

I continued my daily discipline in self-taught software development. Funds were getting tighter after every week. I needed to do something quick. I applied directly to a couple of jobs, but I just felt I didn’t need to worry about any of this. I didn’t understand why, but He told me not to worry. Again, I continued to learn. I continued to develop.

In early March I received a phone call from an area code I didn’t recognize. It was a phone call from a small company based out of Washington DC. The person on the phone was not a recruiter, instead he was part owner of this company. He found me on Monster. We talked for about half an hour or so. He asked if I could meet with his partner to be interviewed for the technical portion of the job. They had an office in Costa Mesa (which was next to Irvine, but slightly closer to where I lived in Brea).

I wasn’t really nervous for this interview. I probably should have been considering my finances at this point. If they were to offer me the position, I should take it no matter what. A job is better than no job in this economy. But I took the interview in stride. I felt I was perfectly capable in fulfilling the position. At the conclusion of this interview I needed to write up a quick sample code. I spent two days working on the small project prior to submitting it. They asked me to come back in for one more interview—to talk with a fellow software engineer. In the end, they asked how much compensation I was expecting, they countered, and I waited. I waited in prayer to decide. On paper, it was less than my software QA position and this new role I would be a software engineer. But I felt God pushing me in a new direction. Taking this job was the right thing to do—despite the fact I know I would be spending close to two hours a day fighting Orange County traffic…

Before I exhausted all my resources, God provided me with a good job.

During this time, I participated in a life group² with a couple of other younger guys from church. I really didn’t want to go. They met up in San Dimas and I knew I would have to drive from Brea to San Dimas with the traffic going up the 57. I mean, I was prepared with excuses to not just go. But back in September, when I told God that I will give up my will to do His, this life group was one of those commands to obey. And it wasn’t to participate to mentor to these guys, but that my obedience to attend was for Him to teach me something new.

I did get a chance to share my own life experience with these guys. I was clearly the oldest one in the group. Many of them in their early or mid-20s. Many of them single and struggle with the temptation with singleness as a man. Many of them, as were I, struggled with self-identity and what it means to be a man in this world let alone how to be a man of God. It was really the first consistent small group I attended for a number of months.

After taking the job in Costa Mesa, I couldn’t keep attending. I would come home pretty late and exhausted from my commute. I had to drop from the group. I was really bummed about it because it felt like I found a bunch of guys I could trust and hold me accountable for the things I do.

It take me more than a month of that horrible commute between Brea and Costa Mesa to decide to just move down deeper into Orange County. It all worked out. My cousin had an extra room at her apartment in Irvine. At the end of my lease, August, I moved down to Irvine with my cousin. Life just felt better when I moved. Not only was I less than ten minutes away from the office, being this much closer to the beach made it feel like home (of course, the fact Irvine is heavily populated with Asians also help make it feel more like Hawaii).

The last thing on my list was to find a new church. Until I found one, I kept driving to San Dimas to CCV. This was almost as ridiculous as the time I would drive out to WVCC in the San Fernando valley from Covina. One morning, I was too late to drive out to one of the services on CCV. I pulled up Yelp on my phone to find a church—any church. There were two churches within walking distance of me: Harvest and Newsong. Both churches are next to each other. Newsong won out because it was the closer of the two. Really, it was that easy.

Unlike my mostly non-existent participation at CCV, I vowed that I will immediately get plugged into whatever new church I end up at (or now that I think about it, wherever God puts me). The moment I stepped through the doors at Newsong, I felt I’m being pushed to serve. I was not satisfied to just sit there at every service. I was compelled to get up and do something. Despite this new found fire and passion to serve, I knew I had to be patient. I didn’t want to dive and do the wrong thing. I’m not saying I’m waiting for the right thing, but for any organization (whether it’s paid or volunteer), its their leaders’ best intentions to place the right people in the right place. I attended any dinner or meeting or whatever gathering Newsong had to offer outside of church. I know I wanted to find a new small group. I did what I could to find out whatever information to get me where I wanted to be.

Outside of the church, I had this idea to spend some real time with God. I’ve been carrying around a Moleskin notebook for years and I mainly used that for notes when I was at CCV. I scheduled in this time with God on a weekly basis. My calendar read: “Breakfast with God, every Saturday morning”. It was pretty simple. I wrote to Him in prayer. I read His Word and listened. Most weeks it’s me writing and complaining about things. But I feel He reveals Himself as I write. You can read in my writings that there is in fact a two way conversation.

One week in late October, I was convicted to ask God for something I was hesitant to. I know, deep down inside I really wanted to find Eve. I would ask Him that, but it wasn’t the right question. I asked Him for something that was not obvious to me until I wrote it down. I wanted to cry as I wrote it. It wasn’t just that He knew what I needed, but only then I was made so very aware that I deeply needed it. I asked Him to be my friend. And that I find friends like Him. Friends that are true and loving—but I guess they would be flawed unlike Him. But those sincerely honest, yet flawed, friends are like me and I want to find them. Where are they, God? Help me find them. Help them find me.

It didn’t take long. I plugged myself into a young adults group in Newsong. It’s a fairly large group with a number of people I’m still trying to remember their names every single week. I got to know new people. I kept reminding myself that true, authentic relationships takes time and patience. Start doing the little things. Then build on these small things. Be consistent. And don’t forget to always be yourself.

I heard the church was putting a new small groups meeting on Sunday. This was after I already discovered the young adults group and was thinking about passing on the small group thing and just try to build a small group out in young adults. Even though I intended to go to the meeting, I was making up excuses not to go. Ultimately, I dragged myself and walked back over to the church. I didn’t recognize anyone at this meeting. I sat in the back with a table that looked like young couples. I looked around and it seemed like it was mostly couples and families. Definitely not my demographic. We were asked to break up and find a small group according to location and then similar demographic. I just sat there. I figure I’ll leave unnoticed.

On my way out, I did notice a somewhat younger group to my left. I was compelled to approach them and sit down. It was rather awkward. I came in relatively late and it seemed like I killed the conversation. So now I’m thinking of a not so awkward exit. Well, that didn’t happen. I tried to break the ice with small talk. Eventually the group came back together after we were instructed to answer a few small group questions. It was time to assign roles to the group. Again, up until this point, I still expected to just sort of duck out. I didn’t fill out my sheet. In the end, I was nominated to be the group’s leader—well, more specifically, the group’s facilitator—liaison to the church. That was most unexpected.

After the meeting concluded, I gathered everyone’s contact information, took the small group facilitator folder, and walked over to Starbucks to think this out. I was nervous. I didn’t want this to fail. I felt it was now my responsibility for this small group to be successful. From my past experience, it’s so difficult organize a small group of young adults—who are also busy with their professional career—to consistently get together for something like this. I sat there reading the material figuring out what can I possibly do?

The answer? Nothing.

God made it clear that this is His group. It’s not mine at all. He put us all together for His glory. I was told to act accordingly. I asked for patience and wisdom. I asked that he takes away the anxiousness. I ask that this group will recognize the purpose He wants to give us. That we go on our own little adventure to discover why He put us together.

These last two months, November and December, was so much more than I ever dreamed of or what I ever asked for. God answers prayers. He gives me exactly what I need and when I’ll need it. He will never give me anything I cannot handle—because really, all things are possible through Him. Between the new friends I’ve met and this new resurgence of love for my own family, I could not thank God enough in my last breakfast with Him. Oh yeah, I also looked at my income spreadsheet before I went out that morning. Some how, I grossed more money in 2012 than I did in 2011—despite my reported salary in 2011 was supposed to be higher than 2012. Oh yeah, and I didn’t work for close to 6 weeks this year. My mind was completely blown. He likes doing that, right? I don’t understand it. He’s always faithful despite my stubbornness and willingness to disobey at times.

So this brings my story to tonight. Tonight, on the eve of yet another new year, despite all the old and new friends I have, I manage to spend ringing in this new year alone. I felt it was my responsibility to write up this post (because truthfully I wouldn’t have written it at all past tonight). I don’t know who’s out there that will read it, but whoever you are, I hope you gain another perspective of the awesomeness of God. I know pain and suffering is relative to each individual. My story pales in comparison to so many others. But my suffering was real. God’s faith in me that I would turn back to Him was real. He will use all things for His good. And when He does, don’t ever forget that your life—that turn around from the bad to good—exists to glorify His mighty name.

Live a great life. Have an amazing 2013!

P.S. I’m okay for being alone tonight. I have this feeling that I’ll be far from alone one year from now.

As far as the other years, well, those were in the original Journals of Single Thread [↩]
CCV calls their small groups life groups [↩]

December 4, 2012

A Definition of Success

Before the foundation of the earth, I believe that my Creator had a blueprint for my life. And when I discover what that is and I live it. That’s success.

When I first heard this quote, it completely blew my mind. I’ve heard a number of definitions of success—generic ones, definitions from very successful, well-regarded people from the secular sector, and God-first sounding ones from the spiritual section. It’s probably because of where I’m at in life ¹ why this particular quote hit me. Unfortunately, I do not have a definitive answer who said this. I’m sure there have been many variations of it, but this exact copy of this quote has an inexact origin.

I heard this this past Sunday at church. Our guest speaker was Gideon Sang of Vox Veniae in Austin, Texas. Gideon attributed this quote to Daniel Smith of Danielson Famile. Gideon heard it in the Danielson Famile’s documentary called Danielson: A Family Movie (or, Make a Joyful Noise Here). Knowing Gideon’s source, I was originally going to attribute that quote to Daniel Smith. But after the service on Sunday, I wanted to know the quote word for word. I searched all over the web looking up terms from whatever I remembered from the quote: “foundation”, “success”, “Daniel Smith”, “blueprint”. I couldn’t find anything close to it. Finally, I had to find the movie myself.

I did manage to procure said movie. The movie, Danielson: A Family Movie (or, Make a Joyful Noise Here), is a great documentary. It’s a story of Daniel Smith starting a band, brought his family in as members, and performed in clubs and bars in front of (mostly) a secular audience. His lyrics are faith-based and the music has a an “indie”² feel to it. Anyway, whether or not you’re Christian, it’s a definite watch.

So I watched the movie from beginning to end, and there is nowhere in that film where Daniel Smith said that particular quote. Gideon mentioned Daniel said this quote in a press interview near the end. Daniel did say this about success:

Success to me, first and foremost, is staying to true to who you’re made to be. Who you’re created to be. I believe from the beginning of time—before time—there’s a plan that’s been written for each and one of us. And when you’re born those things that are in you. Our life’s journey is to find out what those things are… And to discover those tools within us… And to exercise those skills… And refine them… To me, that’s success.

— Daniel Smith of Danielson Famile

Gideon Sang wasn’t too far off. His version is more direct and a bit more eloquent compared to Daniel Smith’s, but both men drove the point home. We were given a purpose. We are driven to find it. (I also have a good idea what the general theme is to everyone’s purpose in life, but I’ll save that for another post.)

Which is sort of like where I was about two years ago, but slightly better [↩]
Yup, I’m bad with genres, and it definitely does not sound like pop music. [↩]

December 1, 2012

Just write

It’s been a good 20 months since I’ve wrote anything. Well, that’s not completely true. I have been writing, but it’s been in a Moleskin (hey, I’ve had a Moleskin-like storage apparatus before it was cool, k?) with mostly notes learned from church and Bible studies as well as my own prayers and devotions. Though, I feel those thoughts ought to be published elsewhere (at least with a better opportunity and legibility of it being seen). I figure it’ll be here.

I don’t expect the writing to be any good. Instead, it should (if it isn’t already), be a flow of thought with (hopefully) a thesis behind a post. And if not, oh well, whatever. I have this urge to start writing again… even if it’s mostly rambling (much like the other million or so blogs out there…)

April 25, 2011

My Story with Elisa

I haven’t done this in awhile—telling a recollection of recent memory. It used to be something I did all the time way back when I was in high school as well as in my first couple of years after I moved to LA. I’m usually led to do something like this when I feel a new chapter of my life is written then completed. So this is my story with a girl named Elisa.

At first…

I first met Elisa in November when we picked up her company as a new client of ours in remote computer technical support. I met her then, but I thought nothing of her besides the fact the person I was walking around with told me she would be the person I would most likely contact the most. The girl that caught my eye at the time was Katie—whose role was the same as Elisa’s and the girl that I wanted to get to know better as we grew with the client… Of course, that wasn’t the case. With the exception of that one training day where I briefly met Elisa, our daily interactions were strictly through IM. There were a couple of times we did talk to each other over the phone, but for the most part it was always through IM.

I would playfully give Elisa grief that she never remember the first time we met. She looked extremely busy at the time, so I’m not surprised. Whenever I visit the LA office, I keep telling her that we’ll finally get to meet (again). Our first interactions via SMS¹ I told her I was coming down to the 3rd floor to meet her. She responded with, “Really?!” She immediately followed up with a winking smiley emoticon. We missed each other that day. I visited the office two weeks later² and we made yet another valiant attempt to meet each other between the meetings I had to attend, that was not successful either. It wasn’t until more than a month later we would really meet for the first time when Elisa brought it to herself to come down to our office to see us³. Truly it was then when I really met her for the first time—mainly because that’s when I realized I didn’t recognized her despite meeting her face to face the only other time back in November. It was a social visit and not a work one. She clarified that after she left.

During that weekend we were trading text messages back and forth. We talked a bit about our work relationship and started conversing socially. We planned that the three of us—including Jeff—should get together some time for drinks. Through the next work week, we began uncovering each other’s history. That week was especially difficult for me at work. By that Friday⁴, I straight up asked Elisa if she wanted to hang out after work. I wanted company. I didn’t want to go straight home. It was a rough day. She seemed the kind of person that would understand. She seemed the kind of person that would lend an ear.

That Friday evening, I stopped by my house to pick up a few things then I headed to the “Norwalk/Downy area” (as she described it). I didn’t know what to expect from the night. I really had one goal: to be honest with myself. There was nothing for me to hide. I buried that concealing-type of person in the past when I mended my relationship with God. The two of us went to BJ’s—well, one of them. The wait was over an hour (Laker game) so we drove up to Cerritos to another BJ’s whose wait time was much shorter. We dined, we talked. Afterwards we spent more time talking. We were in a car she rented (since her car was in the shop) out in the parking lot talking for majority of the night. It felt like forever! Well, it wasn’t that long, but I know we parted ways around one in the morning. We continued to trade text messages that night. From that point on, we traded text messages every day one way or another.

We continued to uncover each other’s history, our personalities, our beliefs and thoughts. I couldn’t stop thinking about Elisa after that Friday. She briefly touched on her beliefs about God and I wanted to dig deeper to understand her more and her faith. I waited patiently that week and constantly alluded that we were going to “hang out” again that weekend. Exactly what we were going to do? I was never really sure. I just wanted to talk to her. I wanted to get close and see if she would share her world with me and I wanted to do the same.

That week, Elisa got her car back. The very next day⁵ she got into another car accident. We traded another 500 or so text messages before we saw each other again that Saturday⁶. I drove out to Norwalk that evening and picked her up from her place. I believe that was the same night we went to the Elephant Bar. I remember my goal for that night was to really get to know her spiritually. I wanted to know if she saw God the way I saw Him. We drove around a bit after dinner. I didn’t care where we were going as long as I wasn’t going to drop her off and I was on my way home. I don’t believe I heard what I wanted to know at that point in the night. Elisa directed me to head to a park near her place—Wilderness Park. We sat in my car for the rest of the night talking about everything.

After hearing where she came from and where she’s now going with her heart and soul in the right place—that was the first time I was ever attractive to a girl’s mind and personality before being captivated to her physically. By all means, I’m not saying Elisa isn’t beautiful. At the time, I didn’t think she was my type (for those whose seen my past love interests) therefore she didn’t attract me physically in the same way I discovered my attraction to her personality. This concept (mind over body) is a complete first for me, and I felt our friendship is completely unique to me.

The following day, Sunday⁷, I asked Elisa if she wanted to come to church with me. She said yes! (And yes, I was excited for this.) We went to CCV’s Sunday evening service. When we found our seats, someone from work spotted me with her (and he recognized Elisa). I played it off if it was mostly nothing, but I knew I would be hearing about it the next morning (and the rest of the week). ⁸

A new work week began and the two of us kept trading text messages whenever we weren’t on shift. We traded another 700 messages that week. On Saturday⁹, I asked if Elisa wanted to go to that church service. She did! I drove back out to pick her up and headed back to my area. We had time to kill before church. I drove around a bit and ended up in the Via Verde area. There was a park nearby that I never been to. The two of us walked around the park. I had my camera with me and I nervously took photos of her. Elisa said she never had anyone take any pictures of her “like that” before hand. Of course, I have been taking pictures as a second shooter with my friend Meghan for the last 4 months, so this shouldn’t have been a big deal to me—but it was! I couldn’t think what photos I wanted so I failed to direct her. Our first informal session didn’t go well.

After church, we went to dinner. I took her out to Shogun. She’s never really had Japanese food like that before. I helped and teased her in regards to what kind of food is on the menu. It was a bit difficult because she doesn’t eat beef or chicken (I imagine she doesn’t eat pork either but she is willing to eat fish). After dinner, we really couldn’t think of anything else to do. I started to make our way back to her place. I drove as slow as I possibly could. I really wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. We didn’t spend time parked talking the night away. I dropped her off and I went back home.

That Sunday¹⁰, we got into our first “fight”. We conducted the argument over SMS. It was about the photos I took of her the day before. She wanted to see all of them and I didn’t even get a chance to review them let alone do any post-processing on them. I tried to explain to her my workflow photography. I gave in to her and gave her all the shots I took that day. I had to explain to her why I was upset about it and why I don’t like giving out my unprocessed work. We both hated that feeling of arguing with each other.

Getting closer

The following week we traded over 500 text messages. Elisa became sick that week. I don’t recall if it was a flu or just a really bad cold. Despite her state of health, I still wanted to see her. That Saturday, she was feeling somewhat better. When I picked her up, she guided us to Yogurtland—or what I always call it, “the Land of Yogurt.” (No, the joke isn’t getting old yet for me.) We spent time eating our frozen yogurt outside (and it was a bit chilly). After that we headed back to her place. That was the first time she invited me in. We spent hours together talking about music and who knows what else. I remember a lot of music, Elisa singing, and the two of us on the floor together. We played this silly game where her fingers were “tip-toeing” their way up my arm and I had to guess when it hits the inside of my elbow (or antecubital fossa if you want to get technical). I felt wanted. I wanted her. I made moves to hold her. At that point I felt that we were more than just friends. At one point we were so close and I looked deep into her eyes ready to kiss her. I hesitated, I felt I haven’t earned that right to make such a move. I even said to her, “I want to steal a kiss from you.” I resisted the temptation to go through with the attempt.

By the way, I believe the whole reason why I was invited into her place was to watch Juno—which we never got around to. She wouldn’t let me live that down until I watched it with her. We traded over 300 text messages the following week

My work week did not start well. Already I was looking for Elisa to empathize with. That Monday¹¹, I drove out to see her. She was shooting pool with her friend Claudia. It was the three of us playing. There was clearly something on my mind and that something really was work. I tried to play it off, but Elisa kept telling me that I seemed “different” and I’m not myself. I tried really hard to be not stressed out about the whole thing, but it was affecting every word that came out of my mouth and Elisa clearly noticed it. It was hard for me because it felt like she didn’t like that me which really made me upset because that is me under stress.

Elisa got her car back from the shop that week¹². She was also debating about going to Las Vegas with a friend of hers that weekend. She wanted me to convince her not to go. She wanted to spend time with me. I broke such a huge smile on my face when I read that. We were planning on “hanging out” (I don’t think I’ve actually asked her out on an official “date” up to that point) that Saturday¹³. Elisa needed to take care of a few things at work then she planned on driving to my place. Oh yeah, before I forget, she called me prior to getting into the office. This was unexpected. We mainly text each other—a lot. We spoke over half an hour while she was trying to get a few goodies for her staff.

She had not eaten anything the entire day by the time she got to my place. I opt to drive. We drove out to Chili’s in San Dimas. I figure we can get a quick bite to eat before we lost too much light for a real photography session. Our dinner wasn’t so quick and I actually didn’t care much. Yes, I wanted to try out new photography methods with her. But I didn’t care much as long as I was out with her. After dinner, we did go to a park in San Dimas (the same place I do sessions with Meghan’s clients). By the time we got into location we already lost too much light. I tried to make the best of it with some flash photography. Elisa definitely made the best of it. She was actually giving me photographic ideas. If I only had enough light to do that, but I was thrilled nonetheless because now I have I better idea what to do with her the next time we go on a photo session.

We drove all over the place after the park. Elisa made a decision that she’s going to fast until Easter starting the following morning. Earlier in the week she shared general information about the kind of trials she’s going through. I feared for the worst if those trials she’s experiencing is because of me—how close we have been getting and I assumed she was putting these feelings over God. Again, that’s my feeble assumption and it’s probably not even close to what she was truly going through, but because she mentioned it to me and how close we were the week before, it was difficult for that to not cross my mind. I also clarified it with her that if I ever overstep my boundaries that she tells me straight up in regards to it. I never asked her about that specifically because her trials are hers and it’s something that she will go through with God. Anyway, so on with the story, she’s about to start her fast and she wanted a Yogurtland. We went to one in West Covina. The Yogurtland actually sucked compared to the one she took me to in her area. After eating our frozen yogurt, I took the the long way back home—no joke. I actually got lost a bit. I didn’t want to take the freeway back. I looked for Arrow Hwy and headed back east. It took us about 20 minutes or so to get to my place. I walked with her back to her car. She gave me the biggest hug possible before we part. I didn’t ask her why or what for. I didn’t bother digging deep into that despite her fast starting the next day.

Moving apart

On Sunday¹⁴, Elisa invited me to go to her church. I forgot the exact term their church used, but it was like a healing Sunday or something. The service went on for hours. I didn’t mind. It was a sight to see because so many people were being healed. It’s a pretty rough concept to understand if you’re not a Christian and understand the affects of the Holy Spirit is still active and doing the same miracles that it did when the Holy Spirit was first unleashed onto the world (read the book of Acts and check James 5:14). On the way back from church, I questioned myself and our relationship. I asked Elisa if I was “not fun”. Boring. She talked to me about all her friends on how they do really exciting stuff and there I am—with her. I felt like I was the Goody Two-Shoes kind of friend that’s all about doing good and talking about God and hardly taking any risks—the Nice Guy. Boring. The afternoon together did not go too well. We didn’t really argue per se, but we didn’t leave on the greatest terms either. It was completely my fault for bringing it up.

At that point I was struggling with love. When I told her that—the whole I’m boring thing—I struggled with the whole “love your neighbor as you love yourself”. At that moment in time, I definitely didn’t love myself therefore how could I possibly love anyone else? I went to my church service that Sunday evening and gained some clarity on the whole matter. Somehow God is always there to tell me what I need to hear when I need to hear it…

That next week we traded over 500 text messages. However, it was a rough week. Between the words we traded on Sunday and what happened via SMS on Monday¹⁵, it was an incredibly hard week for us (at least for me it was). That week our client planned on sending a lead technician and a workflow coordinator to our office for a day. The chosen lead tech was Geno and the chosen WFC was Elisa. When I finished compiling our daily report for the night, I also mentioned that Geno and Elisa were going to be in our office some time that week. My boss replied directly to me alluding to Elisa and I being a couple. I thought it was funny in a very playful way and I chose to share that information with Elisa. Despite our relationship and communication being open up to that point, immediate hindsight told me that wasn’t a very smart thing to do on my part…

We argued about it for hours. It got to the point where she wrote things where I understood it as regretting we ever happened. I was completely heartbroken that I fell on my knees that night in tears. I failed her. No matter what I said her retorts pierced deeper into my heart. She had the last words. I could not sleep well that night.

The next morning we spoke as if everything was normal. My guess is she swept that conversation under the rug. I figure I’ll do the same. She ended up visiting the office that Friday¹⁶ and everything was fine. We were happy to see each other.

That Saturday¹⁷ I attempted to visit her. I was already in the area. Luigi invited me out to some pizza place where a bunch of LA Galaxy fans got together to watch the game. I was only five minutes from Elisa’s. I sent her a text that I was coming out there. She got back to me right when I took the exit to her place. Turns out she was at Claudia’s. I turned around and headed back home. I ended up going to her place on Sunday¹⁸. We finally watched Juno together. Claudia ended up coming over as well. After the movie Elisa kicked us both out. I headed home… time to begin a new work week.

We traded 400 text messages that next week. I felt we were moving apart. Even though we never brought up that argument the Monday before, those words that I interpreted as regret kept piercing through. During that argument, she claims no regret, but I read her words over a dozen times and I couldn’t interpret anything but regret. I asked God what the deal was. My whole world felt like it was crumbling back down (which in reality, wasn’t… just felt like it). Between this relationship feeling like it was waning as well as the overbearing stress from work, I felt I was left defeated and abandoned.

When that weekend came around, I asked her if she wanted to “hang out” again. I didn’t get much of a response. There wasn’t that much conversing between the two of us. Surely I thought it was going to be the first weekend where we actually didn’t spend time with each other. It wasn’t until late in the night when Elisa asked about doing a sunrise photos session Sunday¹⁹ morning. I was exhausted that Saturday, there was no one else except for Elisa that would convince me to get up before sunrise. She wanted to do it. I wanted to do it. We did it.

It was a glorious morning. I got up before dawn. On my way to Elisa’s it was still twilight. I knew it was going to be a gorgeous day. I picked her up and we headed to the same park in San Dimas. I underestimated the light because it came from the east instead of the west. It was our best shoot ever. Seeing her through my viewfinder, I finally found myself completely attracted to her beauty and grace. Her mind and spirit won me over well over a month ago, but it wasn’t until that Sunday I was completely drawn to her physically as well. She truly is part of God’s greatest creation—an embodiment of Eve.

After the shoot we went to Jamba Juice for breakfast. We went to my church that morning as well. I wanted to spend the entire day with her, but when we got to her place, Claudia was still over. Our day together ended there.

I reviewed the photos I took. There was a lot of good ones. I sent a few over to Elisa. One of my favorite shots was of her back. She has a tattoo of a cross just below her neck. I caught her braiding her hair and noticed an awesome shot. That became her new Facebook profile. After spending an hour here an hour there throughout the week doing post-processing, I was drawn closer to Elisa’s beauty with every passing photo. I couldn’t wait to see her back in the office the following Friday!

After that Sunday, we only traded 72 text messages the rest of the week… including today. I didn’t get a chance to see her on Friday²⁰ because our client felt didn’t find it beneficial enough to send their staff to our office. Earlier this week, I asked Elisa if she wanted to go to Six Flags (she’s been talking about it) on Saturday. She had plans with Nancy. I asked her if she wanted to go my church for Easter Sunday. She replied after all the services were complete (though, in her defense, I did ask her the morning of and not the night before…)

This point going forward

Elisa’s fast ended today, Easter Sunday. I so wanted her to be with me at our church this morning. Our pastor spoke of metamorphosis and transformation—all those things the two of us talked about. I honestly don’t know what happened and where to go from here. Where are we now? What do I need to do now? Does our story end here and we continue to be normal friends? I truly do not know.

This is something I need to wrestle with God about. In my daily prayers (ongoing for well over a year now) I ask God to prepare my heart and mind for a helper—my soul mate. The person that will complete me so that we can go out into the world and do God’s Will together. I know relationships are hard, but if I understood that she aligns herself to serve God first, then I know that’s the kind of woman I want to be with. I prayed for that every single day. I had no idea how I’m going to find this person, I just knew that was a desire—a desire hardwired into me by God’s design (just look at the beginnings of Adam and Eve, it really is by design). Then I became impatient. I asked God, “How about sending someone… anyone… not my soul mate, but a woman of God so I know how to identify her when the time comes?”

It had to be only a couple weeks after I asked that then I saw Elisa again for the first time. I thought nothing of it, but when we started to open up to each other, then that’s when I had to ask God where He would place this wonderful woman of His playing what role in His plan related to my life. No answer.

I found it no coincidence that I decided to pick up John Eldredge’s Wild at Heart earlier this week either. Something else was missing in my life. It was only after I finished the book I understood what that missing element was. So here we are. First time we ever interacted less than a hundred times via SMS. First time we completely didn’t see each other this weekend. What am I to do now? Am I to cower away from this situation like how I’ve done in the past? Or will I gather the courage, take the risk, and start this adventure and fight for Elisa’s heart?

Jan 4th, 2011 [↩]
Jan 19th, 2011 [↩]
Feb 25th, 2011 [↩]
Mar 4th, 2011 [↩]
Mar 9th, 2011 [↩]
Mar 12th, 2011 [↩]
Mar 13th, 2011 [↩]
By the way, I’m not planning on going into detail in regards to the office rumors about me possibly “dating” one of our client’s employees, but the guys at the office did give me a rough time—teasing—about it and it was a bit fun. I never gave them a straight answer other than the fact I took her to church with me that evening. They didn’t ask for details and I wasn’t compelled to tell them anything extra. [↩]
Mar 19th 2011 [↩]
Mar 20th, 2011 [↩]
Mar 28th, 2011 [↩]
Apr 1st, 2011 [↩]
Apr 2nd, 2011 [↩]
Apr 3d, 2011 [↩]
Apr 5th, 2011 [↩]
Apr 8th, 2011 [↩]
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Apr 10th, 2011 [↩]
Apr 17th, 2011 [↩]
Apr 22nd, 2011 [↩]

April 23, 2011

Wanted: Adventure with a Princess, inquire within

Life now is definitely better than life of yesteryear. I’ve already listed my struggles and trials multiple of times in past posts, and I initially wanted to write how even though things are “better” I still haven’t understood if I’m “there yet” or even close to “there” (wherever “there” is). This post is still sort of like that, but at least I found a solution so it’s not all whining and complaining 🙂

Earlier this week, I made a mediocre attempt to clean my room. While doing so, I ran across a worn book that was handed down to me: John Eldredge’s Wild at Heart. If I recall correctly, my dad gave it to me for my 25th birthday. I know I started reading it at the time because I had a makeshift bookmark with notes from that era of my life. I picked the book up and started reading again.

They say this is the kind of book that every Christian man ought to read (and honestly, it’s a book that every man should read despite their place in faith). This book has been around for 10 years now and I wonder only now I felt led to read it. During my time at APU, this book came up a countless number of times and it was always on my TODO list but never got around to actually doing it until now. So what changed?

After reading the first chapter, I understood why now and why not ever before. Life this year is far more interesting, exciting, and risky than any other year prior to this. After rediscovering and regenerating my relationship with God—Father, friend, LORD of my life—I choose daily that I will choose His way—His Will—over mine and that opened up a whole new world of opportunities and wonder. These are opportunities to succeed (when I choose to use His strength) and opportunities to fail (when I choose to do it on mine).

That said, I firmly believe where I am right now is exactly where God wants me to be. And it’s hard right now. He gave me an opportunity to build a wing of our company from 12 people to over 90 (and still growing). And the vision for what needed to be done and what ought to do was clear at the start, but now it’s getting extremely difficult with the number of people that’s involved. The problems will only grow larger as we add more people. I don’t know what to do. I felt like I lost control… And that’s when I remembered I never had any control in the first place. When I saw His Will and took control as my own, that’s when I fell off the path and need to right myself. This is hard. Despite choosing Him over me every morning through reading His Word and ceaseless praying, every single day is a challenge above what I can endure and I feel it ends with disappointment every time. Work is hard. It’s a lot of—well—work!

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what I’ve been feeling. I met this girl—this wonderful woman—whom I thought I wouldn’t have these kind of intimate feelings for her. It starts out as friends. Then we shared our past. She told me she now lives for God and she strives to live for our LORD every given moment. I fell in love with her spirit. As I got to know her with every conversation and interaction passing by, my attraction grew stronger. I’ve never been more open and honest with anyone prior to her, and yet I feel I’m missing something. It’s not her, but there’s something about me that I’m failing to understand thus doubting my ability to ever give her what she longs for.

I recognized all of this—all that I’m striving and longing for—within the first chapter of Wild at Heart. This book was going to have the answers I wanted! Answers? Actually, forget answers, I didn’t even know the questions I wanted to ask. This book has the questions I needed to identify! When I finished reading it this morning, I have a better understanding of God’s design behind both man and woman—Adam and Eve. I have a better understanding why Adam longs for adventure and why it’s a good thing that my position at my company has inherit risks in an uncharted territory. I have a better understanding what Eve longs for and that I will be out there fighting for her because I want her.

So… exactly where do I go from here? I want that adventure. I don’t know exactly know what it is (and that is the correct question to ask), but I know there’s something within me that wants to go out into His world and live it. Eldredge wrote, “Life is not a problem to be solved; it is an adventure to be lived.” My goal before the end of today is to find out what adventure I want to do next. Don’t ever ask how—”How is a faithless question!” Eldredge wrote that how is God’s department. Our desires is what we want to do and start our journey there.

What about the beauty to rescue? The princess worth fighting for? Yes, exactly that—she is worth fighting for, and my goal is to make it known that she is worth every bruise, wound, scar, gash (mostly figuratively) and that she’s longed for and affectionately wanted. Our story will never end there. The story goes on with our hearts writing out the adventure we want to live in His world—LORD of our lives, LORD of all creation—AMEN!

January 8, 2011

2011, making a better year

I started out the new year away from home with a few friends from college out in June Lake. I remember the first time I went with a similar group of people way back in 2003. At that point in life, I was experiencing change and I knew God wanted to do something grand, but I was resistant to allow Him to take total control of my life. My remaining time completing my undergrad work was met with a lot of friction—I wanted to control my destiny whereas God wanted me to do greater things.

Because I didn’t want to let go of control, there was a lot of pain in understanding what I were to do next. It wasn’t until five years after graduating is when I realized I had completely let go and hit an all-time low in my life. (It’s definitely wasn’t rock bottom when compared to other people’s life-changing experience, but it was definitely the lowest point in my own life.) That was 2010. It was an extremely hard year for me, but as I mentioned before, it could have ended a lot worst. It was 2010 that I needed to reconcile my relationship with God. I went back to prayer. I rediscovered His Word. I listened for His voice. I devoted my life daily to discover His will for me.

With all that mind, I’m starting 2011 a bit differently. I’m reminded I have friends who care. I discovered despite my current job in the marketplace may not be ideal, I have the ability to share what it means to live as a Christian to over three dozen people. I may not yet be in tuned to God’s voice, but I’m making a daily effort to understand His character in order to discern what it means to act, do, decide, and speak in Christ-likeness.

So far, this year is starting off far better than I could ever imagine. I never thought I could be in a position like this over a year ago considering the pain and lost of direction I experienced. So I thank Him. Both good and suffering will be experienced this year, and whatever hard decisions and experiences I come across, God is always good. God is always faithful. I will always put my trust in Him. His love is all I need.

Below are a few photographs I pulled from my trip up to June Lake during the New Year’s weekend. It was amazing to be in the middle of His creation and (mostly) step away from man’s doing (i.e. technology). Though, at the same time, I did capture these photographs with Nikon’s latest DSLR. 😉

November 25, 2010

Count thy blessings

It’s been a financially tough year for me (even then, it really wasn’t). I didn’t want to generically say it was a rough year because it really wasn’t that bad. I still had my health. That counts for something compared to others who have been suffering. I didn’t completely lose my job this year. It was more like I was “in-between-projects”. I only work for my company if they have any projects. This year it was a complete dry spell for work. I’m pretty positive I worked a grand total of 4 months so far this year. So yeah, it was rough.

With all this newly free time I acquired, I decided to get right (or at least strive towards that goal) with God as well as visit a few friends that I lost along the way. I can’t quite figure out the math how I managed to avoid applying for unemployment but still always tithed whatever God provisioned, didn’t need to struggle in order to put food on the table and a roof over my head, as well as take four trips back home to see my friends and family. I looked at my accounts this last month and realized that I’m not going to make it. At that point it felt like God came out of nowhere to give company work to finish out the year (albeit I had to take a significant pay cut, but getting something is always better than nothing).

I really don’t get it. I just don’t.

I know I was never in a unrecoverable position compared to the rest of the world. But it was relatively worrisome for me. God is with me every step of the way and I don’t want to ever forget that He was and always will be. I have a lot to thank for this Thanksgiving.

November 7, 2010

Not my ideal circumstance

I know I haven’t posted much about my devotions, but it doesn’t mean I haven’t been doing them. I do them every single day. I may have only completely missed doing a devotion possibly 3 times since I (re)started this task back in March or so. I read a piece of insightful literature, I read the Word, I pray, and I listen every single morning. Some mornings I manage to devote half an hour, others I manage to only get in 15 minutes, and very rarely (which I should do more often) I pray and contemplate for an hour.

I do this because I know I’m not where I should be—physically, mentally, and spiritually. I don’t know what I want to do career-wise (makes it worst since current job hardly gives me any work as of late). I still struggle with the same temptations and addictions first discovered years ago. And I know I’ve forgotten what God’s subtle voice sounds like.

With that said, my prayers haven’t only been for myself and my search to discover His Will for me. I had to be aware of where I currently am and pray for the people around me. It wasn’t until during a Sunday evening service in the middle of summer that he told me whom I should be praying for. It was a reminder we should always be practicing intercession.

Daily, I prayed for this one person. I prayed that I would be the person that God would use to intervene and tell the story of His Word. But not once was I ever put in an opportune situation to do so. But without fail, I keep praying every day for her. And as every day goes by when I get to that part of the prayer, I keep asking Him, “Why should I keep this prayer if I’m never given the opportunity to her about You?” And today, I ran into this tidbit in my devotions…

The Undetected Sacredness of Circumstances¹

The circumstances of a saint’s life are ordained of God. In the life of a saint there is no such thing as chance. God by His providence brings you into circumstances that you can’t understand at all, but the Spirit of God understands. God brings you to places, among people, and into certain conditions to accomplish a definite purpose through the intercession of the Spirit in you. Never put yourself in front of your circumstances and say, “I’m going to be my own providence here; I will watch this closely, or protect myself from that.” All your circumstances are in the hand of God, and therefore you don’t ever have to think they are unnatural or unique. Your part in intercessory prayer is not to agonize over how to intercede, but to use the everyday circumstances and people God puts around you by His providence to bring them before His throne, and to allow the Spirit in you the opportunity to intercede for them. In this way God is going to touch the whole world with His saints.

Am I making the Holy Spirit’s work difficult by being vague and unsure, or by trying to do His work for Him? I must do the human side of intercession—utilizing the circumstances in which I find myself and the people who surround me. I must keep my conscious life as a sacred place for the Holy Spirit. Then as I lift different ones to God through prayer, the Holy Spirit intercedes for them.

Your intercessions can never be mind, and my intercessions can never be yours, “…but the Spirit Himself makes the intercession” in each of our lives (Romans 8:26). And without that intercession, the lives of others would be left in poverty and in ruin.

And so, I will continue to pray. I pray so that the Holy Spirit will intercede others around her and that they will gain the confidence to share His story. I also pray that no matter what circumstance I find myself in—no matter how mundane or insignificant it may appear to be—that I listen to the Holy Spirit and do God’s Will to affect those who are around me.

My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, November 7th [↩]

September 11, 2010

Here and Now

This song is done by the Ekoh worship team at CCV. You can sample their album at the iTunes store. This song has really resonates with me due to the re-identification of myself in these last 6 months. The lyrics listed here is verbatim from the actual song on the album. The lyrics listed in the CD inlet is slightly different.

I couldn’t find the exact chords, but I’m pretty sure it’s just D – G – Bm – A. The bridge is just G – A repeated. The last measure of the bridge before it goes back to the chorus would be G – Bm instead of G – A. Please correct me in the comments if I’m off 🙂

I was so far, so far from You
But you pulled me closer, closer to You
And I called out to You and heard Your sweet, sweet voice
And I reached out to You and felt Your touch

In the silence You are speaking
In the stillness You are moving
In the chaos You’re still here
Here with us

I was so lost searching for love
But you are so loving, so loving towards me
And I called out to you, and heard your sweet, sweet voice
And I reached out to you, and felt your touch

God is still moving
God is still speaking
God is still healing
Here and now

You are still moving
You are still speaking
You are still hearing
Here and now

Written by Blaine Stark

August 20, 2010

“Is this whisper really from God?”

I’m taking this from Bill Hybel’s The Power of a Whisper¹ verbatim. I want to post it here to serve myself as a reminder if what I’m hearing is truly from God or if I’m going crazy and telling myself what I want to hear. (My apologies to Zondervan if this is a little too much quoting…)

1. Is the Prompting Truly from God?

Whenever you receive a prompting—whether from God directly or through the lips of another—take whatever time is necessary to ask, “God, is this message from you? Does this square with who I know you to be? Is it consistent with your character? Is it aligned with your attributes? Is this you trying to convey something to me, or are there voices getting into my head?” Before taking a single step to obey the whisper you’ve received, be sure you get thee all-clear that the voice you have heard could be from God.

2. Is it Scriptural?

Scripture is replete with examples of how God would behave in any given life situation, and the Example’s name is Jesus Christ. Whenever I sense a prompting from God, I ask myself if I could imagine Jesus doing whatever action the prompting is suggesting I do. If I can’t envision Jesus Follow suit, I fear my wires somehow must have gotten crossed. Check every prompting you receive against the thematic teachings of Scripture. Messages that contradict Scripture are not from God

3. Is it Wise?

God’s whispers rarely go against wisdom and common sense. The entire book of Proverbs is devoted to dissecting wisdom and all her attributes. For example, the wise one loves knowledge, while the fool hates it; the wise one practices gentle speech, while the fool uses harsh, incendiary words; the wise one lives blamelessly, while the fool is utterly corrupt; the wise one follows a straight path, while the fool rejoices in the perverseness of evil; the wise one inherits honor, while the fool is held up to shame. Scripture is relentless in exhorting us to be wise in all our dealings, to be wise in all our ways.

God’s direction rarely violates the wisdom test. Be sure you’re not sidestepping what is wise in favor of acting quickly on whispers. If God is indeed in the plan, it will likely not involve blatantly unwise action.

4. Is it in Tune with Your Own Character?

I caution people against running headlong into a field that is totally foreign to their writing patterns, their education, their expertise and their experience in life thus far. It’s not that God can’t endorse a dramatic 180-degree turn. It’s just that typically when does so, it gets affirmed through a series of whispers, from several sources, in a variety of different ways.

5. What Do the People You Most Trust Think about it?

Whenever you sense that God is speaking to you, find two or three veteran Christ-followers—preferably people who know you well and who are further down the spiritual path than you are—take some time to describe the situation to them in detail. Humbly ask them, “Do you think God really did speak to me? Is this the voice of God I’m hearing, or in your estimation did I get my wires crossed?” Then, listen openly and intently to the answers you receive, because they might just save your hide.

Subject every prompting to the godly counsel test. It will save you from boatloads of heartache and just might affirm God’s best will for your life

– Bill Hybel

I do not take credit for these ideas. Again, this is from Bill Hybel’s The Power of a Whisper.

Appendix 2 from The Power of a Whisper by Bill Hybel [↩]

At first…

Getting closer

Moving apart

This point going forward

The Undetected Sacredness of Circumstances1

1. Is the Prompting Truly from God?

2. Is it Scriptural?

3. Is it Wise?

4. Is it in Tune with Your Own Character?

5. What Do the People You Most Trust Think about it?

The Undetected Sacredness of Circumstances¹