Life now is definitely better than life of yesteryear. I’ve already listed my struggles and trials multiple of times in past posts, and I initially wanted to write how even though things are “better” I still haven’t understood if I’m “there yet” or even close to “there” (wherever “there” is). This post is still sort of like that, but at least I found a solution so it’s not all whining and complaining
Earlier this week, I made a mediocre attempt to clean my room. While doing so, I ran across a worn book that was handed down to me: John Eldredge’s Wild at Heart. If I recall correctly, my dad gave it to me for my 25th birthday. I know I started reading it at the time because I had a makeshift bookmark with notes from that era of my life. I picked the book up and started reading again.
They say this is the kind of book that every Christian man ought to read (and honestly, it’s a book that every man should read despite their place in faith). This book has been around for 10 years now and I wonder only now I felt led to read it. During my time at APU, this book came up a countless number of times and it was always on my TODO list but never got around to actually doing it until now. So what changed?
After reading the first chapter, I understood why now and why not ever before. Life this year is far more interesting, exciting, and risky than any other year prior to this. After rediscovering and regenerating my relationship with God—Father, friend, LORD of my life—I choose daily that I will choose His way—His Will—over mine and that opened up a whole new world of opportunities and wonder. These are opportunities to succeed (when I choose to use His strength) and opportunities to fail (when I choose to do it on mine).
That said, I firmly believe where I am right now is exactly where God wants me to be. And it’s hard right now. He gave me an opportunity to build a wing of our company from 12 people to over 90 (and still growing). And the vision for what needed to be done and what ought to do was clear at the start, but now it’s getting extremely difficult with the number of people that’s involved. The problems will only grow larger as we add more people. I don’t know what to do. I felt like I lost control… And that’s when I remembered I never had any control in the first place. When I saw His Will and took control as my own, that’s when I fell off the path and need to right myself. This is hard. Despite choosing Him over me every morning through reading His Word and ceaseless praying, every single day is a challenge above what I can endure and I feel it ends with disappointment every time. Work is hard. It’s a lot of—well—work!
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what I’ve been feeling. I met this girl—this wonderful woman—whom I thought I wouldn’t have these kind of intimate feelings for her. It starts out as friends. Then we shared our past. She told me she now lives for God and she strives to live for our LORD every given moment. I fell in love with her spirit. As I got to know her with every conversation and interaction passing by, my attraction grew stronger. I’ve never been more open and honest with anyone prior to her, and yet I feel I’m missing something. It’s not her, but there’s something about me that I’m failing to understand thus doubting my ability to ever give her what she longs for.
I recognized all of this—all that I’m striving and longing for—within the first chapter of Wild at Heart. This book was going to have the answers I wanted! Answers? Actually, forget answers, I didn’t even know the questions I wanted to ask. This book has the questions I needed to identify! When I finished reading it this morning, I have a better understanding of God’s design behind both man and woman—Adam and Eve. I have a better understanding why Adam longs for adventure and why it’s a good thing that my position at my company has inherit risks in an uncharted territory. I have a better understanding what Eve longs for and that I will be out there fighting for her because I want her.
So… exactly where do I go from here? I want that adventure. I don’t know exactly know what it is (and that is the correct question to ask), but I know there’s something within me that wants to go out into His world and live it. Eldredge wrote, “Life is not a problem to be solved; it is an adventure to be lived.” My goal before the end of today is to find out what adventure I want to do next. Don’t ever ask how—”How is a faithless question!” Eldredge wrote that how is God’s department. Our desires is what we want to do and start our journey there.
What about the beauty to rescue? The princess worth fighting for? Yes, exactly that—she is worth fighting for, and my goal is to make it known that she is worth every bruise, wound, scar, gash (mostly figuratively) and that she’s longed for and affectionately wanted. Our story will never end there. The story goes on with our hearts writing out the adventure we want to live in His world—LORD of our lives, LORD of all creation—AMEN!