Life now is definitely better than life of yesteryear.  I’ve already listed my struggles and trials multiple of times in past posts, and I initially wanted to write how even though things are “better” I still haven’t understood if I’m “there yet” or even close to “there” (wherever “there” is).  This post is still sort of like that, but at least I found a solution so it’s not all whining and complaining

Earlier this week, I made a mediocre attempt to clean my room.  While doing so, I ran across a worn book that was handed down to me: John Eldredge’s Wild at Heart.  If I recall correctly, my dad gave it to me for my 25th birthday.  I know I started reading it at the time because I had a makeshift bookmark with notes from that era of my life.  I picked the book up and started reading again.

They say this is the kind of book that every Christian man ought to read (and honestly, it’s a book that every man should read despite their place in faith).  This book has been around for 10 years now and I wonder only now I felt led to read it.  During my time at APU, this book came up a countless number of times and it was always on my TODO list but never got around to actually doing it until now.  So what changed?

After reading the first chapter, I understood why now and why not ever before.  Life this year is far more interesting, exciting, and risky than any other year prior to this.  After rediscovering and regenerating my relationship with God—Father, friend, LORD of my life—I choose daily that I will choose His way—His Will—over mine and that opened up a whole new world of opportunities and wonder.  These are opportunities to succeed (when I choose to use His strength) and opportunities to fail (when I choose to do it on mine).

That said, I firmly believe where I am right now is exactly where God wants me to be.  And it’s hard right now.  He gave me an opportunity to build a wing of our company from 12 people to over 90 (and still growing).  And the vision for what needed to be done and what ought to do was clear at the start, but now it’s getting extremely difficult with the number of people that’s involved.  The problems will only grow larger as we add more people.   I don’t know what to do.  I felt like I lost control… And that’s when I remembered I never had any control in the first place.  When I saw His Will and took control as my own, that’s when I fell off the path and need to right myself.  This is hard.  Despite choosing Him over me every morning through reading His Word and ceaseless praying, every single day is a challenge above what I can endure and I feel it ends with disappointment every time.  Work is hard.  It’s a lot of—well—work!

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what I’ve been feeling.  I met this girl—this wonderful woman—whom I thought I wouldn’t have these kind of intimate feelings for her.  It starts out as friends.  Then we shared our past.  She told me she now lives for God and she strives to live for our LORD every given moment.  I fell in love with her spirit.  As I got to know her with every conversation and interaction passing by, my attraction grew stronger.  I’ve never been more open and honest with anyone prior to her, and yet I feel I’m missing something.  It’s not her, but there’s something about me that I’m failing to understand thus doubting my ability to ever give her what she longs for.

I recognized all of this—all that I’m striving and longing for—within the first chapter of Wild at Heart.  This book was going to have the answers I wanted!  Answers?  Actually, forget answers, I didn’t even know the questions I wanted to ask.  This book has the questions I needed to identify!   When I finished reading it this morning, I have a better understanding of God’s design behind both man and woman—Adam and Eve.  I have a better understanding why Adam longs for adventure and why it’s a good thing that my position at my company has inherit risks in an uncharted territory.  I have a better understanding what Eve longs for and that I will be out there fighting for her because I want her.

So… exactly where do I go from here?  I want that adventure.  I don’t know exactly know what it is (and that is the correct question to ask), but I know there’s something within me that wants to go out into His world and live it.  Eldredge wrote, “Life is not a problem to be solved; it is an adventure to be lived.”  My goal before the end of today is to find out what adventure I want to do next.  Don’t ever ask how—”How is a faithless question!”  Eldredge wrote that how is God’s department.  Our desires is what we want to do and start our journey there.

What about the beauty to rescue?  The princess worth fighting for?  Yes, exactly that—she is worth fighting for, and my goal is to make it known that she is worth every bruise, wound, scar, gash (mostly figuratively) and that she’s longed for and affectionately wanted.  Our story will never end there.  The story goes on with our hearts writing out the adventure we want to live in His world—LORD of our lives, LORD of all creation—AMEN!

I started out the new year away from home with a few friends from college out in June Lake.  I remember the first time I went with a similar group of people way back in 2003.  At that point in life, I was experiencing change and I knew God wanted to do something grand, but I was resistant to allow Him to take total control of my life.  My remaining time completing my undergrad work was met with a lot of friction—I wanted to control my destiny whereas God wanted me to do greater things.

Because I didn’t want to let go of control, there was a lot of pain in understanding what I were to do next.  It wasn’t until five years after graduating is when I realized I had completely let go and hit an all-time low in my life.  (It’s definitely wasn’t rock bottom when compared to other people’s life-changing experience, but it was definitely the lowest point in my own life.)  That was 2010.  It was an extremely hard year for me, but as I mentioned before, it could have ended a lot worst.  It was 2010 that I needed to reconcile my relationship with God.  I went back to prayer.  I rediscovered His Word.  I listened for His voice.  I devoted my life daily to discover His will for me.

With all that mind, I’m starting 2011 a bit differently.  I’m reminded I have friends who care.  I discovered despite my current job in the marketplace may not be ideal, I have the ability to share what it means to live as a Christian to over three dozen people.  I may not yet be in tuned to God’s voice, but I’m making a daily effort to understand His character in order to discern what it means to act, do, decide, and speak in Christ-likeness.

So far, this year is starting off far better than I could ever imagine.  I never thought I could be in a position like this over a year ago considering the pain and lost of direction I experienced.  So I thank Him.  Both good and suffering will be experienced this year, and whatever hard decisions and experiences I come across, God is always good.  God is always faithful. I will always put my trust in Him.  His love is all I need.

Below are a few photographs I pulled from my trip up to June Lake during the New Year’s weekend.  It was amazing to be in the middle of His creation and (mostly) step away from man’s doing (i.e. technology).  Though, at the same time, I did capture these photographs with Nikon’s latest DSLR. 

It’s been a financially tough year for me (even then, it really wasn’t).  I didn’t want to generically say it was a rough year because it really wasn’t that bad.  I still had my health.  That counts for something compared to others who have been suffering.  I didn’t completely lose my job this year.  It was more like I was “in-between-projects”.  I only work for my company if they have any projects.  This year it was a complete dry spell for work.  I’m pretty positive I worked a grand total of 4 months so far this year. So yeah, it was rough.

With all this newly free time I acquired, I decided to get right (or at least strive towards that goal) with God as well as visit a few friends that I lost along the way.  I can’t quite figure out the math how I managed to avoid applying for unemployment but still always tithed whatever God provisioned, didn’t need to struggle in order to put food on the table and a roof over my head, as well as take four trips back home to see my friends and family.  I looked at my accounts this last month and realized that I’m not going to make it.  At that point it felt like God came out of nowhere to give company work to finish out the year (albeit I had to take a significant pay cut, but getting something is always better than nothing).

I really don’t get it.  I just don’t.

I know I was never in a unrecoverable position compared to the rest of the world.  But it was relatively worrisome for me.  God is with me every step of the way and I don’t want to ever forget that He was and always will be.  I have a lot to thank for this Thanksgiving.

I know I haven’t posted much about my devotions, but it doesn’t mean I haven’t been doing them.  I do them every single day.  I may have only completely missed doing a devotion possibly 3 times since I (re)started this task back in March or so.  I read a piece of insightful literature, I read the Word, I pray, and I listen every single morning.  Some mornings I manage to devote half an hour, others I manage to only get in 15 minutes, and very rarely (which I should do more often) I pray and contemplate for an hour.

I do this because I know I’m not where I should be—physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I don’t know what I want to do career-wise (makes it worst since current job hardly gives me any work as of late).  I still struggle with the same temptations and addictions first discovered years ago.  And I know I’ve forgotten what God’s subtle voice sounds like.

With that said, my prayers haven’t only been for myself and my search to discover His Will for me.  I had to be aware of where I currently am and pray for the people around me.  It wasn’t until during a Sunday evening service in the middle of summer that he told me whom I should be praying for.  It was a reminder we should always be practicing intercession.

Daily, I prayed for this one person.  I prayed that I would be the person that God would use to intervene and tell the story of His Word.  But not once was I ever put in an opportune situation to do so.  But without fail, I keep praying every day for her.  And as every day goes by when I get to that part of the prayer, I keep asking Him, “Why should I keep this prayer if I’m never given the opportunity to her about You?”  And today, I ran into this tidbit in my devotions…

The Undetected Sacredness of Circumstances¹

The circumstances of a saint’s life are ordained of God.  In the life of a saint there is no such thing as chance.  God by His providence brings you into circumstances that you can’t understand at all, but the Spirit of God understands.  God brings you to places, among people, and into certain conditions to accomplish a definite purpose through the intercession of the Spirit in you.  Never put yourself in front of your circumstances and say, “I’m going to be my own providence here; I will watch this closely, or protect myself from that.”  All your circumstances are in the hand of God, and therefore you don’t ever have to think they are unnatural or unique.  Your part in intercessory prayer is not to agonize over how to intercede, but to use the everyday circumstances and people God puts around you by His providence to bring them before His throne, and to allow the Spirit in you the opportunity to intercede for them.  In this way God is going to touch the whole world with His saints.

Am I making the Holy Spirit’s work difficult by being vague and unsure, or by trying to do His work for Him?  I must do the human side of intercession—utilizing the circumstances in which I find myself and the people who surround me.  I must keep my conscious life as a sacred place for the Holy Spirit.  Then as I lift different ones to God through prayer, the Holy Spirit intercedes for them.

Your intercessions can never be mind, and my intercessions can never be yours, “…but the Spirit Himself makes the intercession” in each of our lives (Romans 8:26).  And without that intercession, the lives of others would be left in poverty and in ruin.

And so, I will continue to pray.  I pray so that the Holy Spirit will intercede others around her and that they will gain the confidence to share His story.  I also pray that no matter what circumstance I find myself in—no matter how mundane or insignificant it may appear to be—that I listen to the Holy Spirit and do God’s Will to affect those who are around me.

1. My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, November 7th [↩]

This song is done by the Ekoh worship team at CCV.  You can sample their album at the iTunes store.  This song has really resonates with me due to the re-identification of myself in these last 6 months.  The lyrics listed here is verbatim from the actual song on the album.  The lyrics listed in the CD inlet is slightly different.

I couldn’t find the exact chords, but I’m pretty sure it’s just D – G – Bm – A.  The bridge is just G – A repeated.  The last measure of the bridge before it goes back to the chorus would be G – Bm instead of G – A.  Please correct me in the comments if I’m off

I was so far, so far from You
But you pulled me closer, closer to You
And I called out to You and heard Your sweet, sweet voice
And I reached out to You and felt Your touch

In the silence You are speaking
In the stillness You are moving
In the chaos You’re still here
Here with us

I was so lost searching for love
But you are so loving, so loving towards me
And I called out to you, and heard your sweet, sweet voice
And I reached out to you, and felt your touch

God is still moving
God is still speaking
God is still healing
Here and now

You are still moving
You are still speaking
You are still hearing
Here and now

Written by Blaine Stark