Single Thread

I may have mentioned it in the past, I don’t go out much and I’m not very active.  I keep telling myself I should really work out—running, weightlifting, mountain biking—something, anything.  This morning, I went hiking for the first time in 10 years.  I believe the last time I went hiking was the Haleakala Crater back on Maui.

I knew it wasn’t going to be easy hike.  Garcia Trail in Azusa is a short 1.2 mile hike.  The problem with these 1.2 miles is that it ascends 1100 feet in the process.  That steep elevation is what makes the hike challenging—especially if you’re from the out of shape crowd.  When I started the hike, I knew I was in bad shape when I already felt my heart racing in the first 100 ft (distance, not elevation).  At that point, I knew this was going to be a long morning.

I quickly breathed in the cool morning air.  It was pleasant at first, but the speed of inhaling created a burning sensation in my lungs.  My body didn’t know where the need for all this sudden energy came from.  My heart beat as fast as possible to pump fresh blood to my legs at the start of this hike.   I looked towards the top of the hill and pointed, “I’m going to make it to the top.”  I looked up to the sky and asked God to give me the strength to do this.  I know, it’s just a 1.2mi/1100ft hike/climb.  One could say I only needed the will power to do it.  My heart alone wasn’t conditioned to take on this task by itself.  No, instead, I prayed and asked him for the strength I need to conquer the hike to the top.  That was the plan.  Get to the top.  He reminded me that He will determine my steps (Proverbs 16:9).  He will be with me every step of the way.

Hikers of all ages and experiences passed me on the way up.  I was a bit discouraged at first.  Maybe it wasn’t worth seeing the top.  Maybe I should take it one small hike at a time—complete the plan in increments over the course of a week.  No.  I remained focused.  God kept taking me up one step at a time.  It took me close to an hour to climb the 1100 feet in 1.2 miles.  I didn’t care.  I got to the top.  I made it.

At the top of the hill was a white cross.  Behind the cross was a mailbox with a couple of notebooks and a Bible.  The notebooks was a log of people who made the climb.  There were prayer requests.  Some wrote stories about their hike to the top.  Some of them profess their love for one another.  Not all were Christian, but there were many that witness as one.   Even though the overcast hasn’t quite burned off for the day, it was still a sight to see overlooking the San Gabriel Valley from atop that hill.  I honestly believe that I, personally, could not have made that hike on my own.  God helped me step by step with such a simple plan; I should expect that kind of help in my grander plans in life.  God’s power is limitless.  That first hike is a reminder: He’s there with me every step of the way.

Do not let your hearts be troubled, Trust in God; trust also in me (John 14:1)

The following was originally written on May 23rd in a Moleskine I keep with me for taking notes.  Every once in awhile, I’ll write a stream of thought.  This piece has been duplicated on this post without alteration to the stream of thought.

Mark 6:25-34

I am told not to worry about the details of this world.  He says not to worry about tomorrow.  I should not need to worry about the food I need, the clothes over me, or whether or not I am provided shelter.

Abandon these things of the world—not personally, but quit searching for it. Seek God first, not these little details of the world.  God promises He will provide.

What’s really stopping me from walking in faith?  He is there by my side.  He pulls me forward in the direction I asked for.  He’s feeding me the knowledge I need to understand that this is what I need to do—where I am going—what worldly things I need to leave behind.

Despite my current worldly struggles and sins, I don’t feel Him abandoning me now nor forever.  He is implanted in me.  Trust Him.  Walk forward in faith.  He will provide every need.

This was my first step in trusting God.  The second step was to Job’s story.  In case you haven’t read Job, here’s the gist of it.  Job loved and feared the Lord and because of this he was blessed with a fruitful life.  God allowed the devil to take away anything and everything important to Job.  He didn’t understand why and cried out to the Lord why these horrible events has happened to him.  At that point the skies opened up and God reminded Job his awesomeness of God (beings in Job 38).  Don’t forget, God is and always is in control.

Once I realized I can authentically trust God that my life is clearly in His hands, I moved on to the next step: planning.  When I’m planning, do not ever forget to put God first.  If the Holy Spirit is truly moving in you, you can and will make every decision that crosses your path with the wisdom provided by God through the Holy Spirit.  You are still making the decisions (make no mistake that you will always have your free will), but the Holy Spirit will guide you appropriately.

To man belongs the plans of the heart,
but from the Lord comes the reply of the tongue (Proverbs 16:1)

Commit to the Lord whatever you do,
and your plans will succeed. (Proverbs 16:3)

In his heart a man plans his course,
but the Lord determines his steps. (Proverbs 16:9)

God’s will becomes yours.  Pray. Speak. Listen, carefully.

I was pretty busy this past weekend—busier than usual anyway.  I really don’t get out much.  Anyway, an old high school friend of mine came out to visit for the weekend.  The plan was to go out with a few other people in the area that are from my guild.  (Yes, by “guild”, I do mean of World of Warcraft variant.)  Whoa, that means I need to be social in the real world?  Like I said, I don’t get out much.

With the exception of one of my housemates, the people I was with are not Christian.  Actually, I really don’t know exactly where their hearts are with their Creator, but my observation tells me they aren’t Christian.  Besides, I’m not the one to judge.  The point is, I prayed that I would be on my best behavior and that my actions and words would be more Christ-like.  This is something I definitely need to work on.  It’s really easy to get back into old habits especially when an old high school friend is with you.

Now, when I say I am on good behavior, it doesn’t mean I’m going to be preaching the gospel to my non-believing friends at every chance I get.  If that were to happen, the only friends I would end up with are the ones that already have a clue about the gospel.  I want my behavior and attitude to be Christ-like.  If the Holy Spirit is in me, it should be obvious that I’m a Christian without saying anything, right?  (See Matthew 5:14 ff)

That said, this post isn’t about how we got together for dinner on Saturday night which followed a bit of singing at a Korean karaoke bar  in LA—I should probably stop with any further details right there.  I know everyone had a great time that Saturday night.  It was fun to get out and do something different.

The next morning, I took my friend to the airport. On the way back, I felt a large burden in my heart.  I don’t know what that was all about.  I felt like I needed to pray for my friends the night before.  The prayer felt authentic.  It’s like I knew each person well enough to get a hint of an idea of each of their burdens in their lives.  We are all adults—mid to late 20′s—going through real life issues—whether it was over a job, a broken or mending relationship, soul or purpose searching.  That burden amongst all of us was real.  I carried that feeling on Sunday.  I felt sick for most of the day.  I lost my appetite.  I didn’t want to do anything.  I wanted to stay in solitude hoping to hear God’s voice.

I went to church later that evening.  CCV was having a special worship service.  The entire service was nothing but musical worship.  The church is blessed with some of most talented musicians in the area.  The church felt it was time to take a step back and breath—to thank, praise, and listen.  I wasn’t quite sure if my voice was up to the task considering I just spent the night at a karaoke bar, but I was there ready to give it my all.  Again, I carried this feeling of burden weighting me down.  I don’t know if it was just mine, but it felt like from the knowledge I knew from my friends, I carried some of that pain.

When we—the congregation, God’s church, in His house—began to sing.  I was immediately filled with the Holy Spirit (Matthew 8:20) and began crying out to God.  And this wasn’t a battle cry or anything like that.  My tear ducts began to overflow and I couldn’t control this emotion.  At that point, I knew I heard his voice.  I remembered what He had sounded like.  That voice I heard over 10 years ago and was only lost through the distractions and decisions I selfishly made.  He told me everything was going to be okay and that I should not need to worry (Matthew 6:25 ff).

I asked God what should I do next.  He answered in the most amazing way.  Being in authentic worship is awesome.  It’s a stunning reminder that He is always moving in you and He will keep His promises to work through you.  Thank You.

I was relieved.

I have this problem.  It might have occurred when I was younger.  Maybe I didn’t get enough hugs or something when I was a kid.  Growing up, I always had this yearning to “be with somebody”—to be loved (using the term loosely).  I just had to have a girlfriend of some sort going through school.  Of course, me being as dorky as I am, I wasn’t very popular with the ladies.  Not surprisingly, I wasn’t on any girl’s radar.  I did my best to be noticed, but my personality never allowed me to stand out.  I was shy and a daydreamer.  I planned my approach and hoped for the opportune time to execute said strategy.  Rarely did I ever go with my master plan.  Even when I did, it never panned out after its approach.  But still, I insisted to keep daydreaming about how everything ought to happen.

The problem with the whole daydreaming thing is that you have to make assumptions on how the other person would react to what you are doing.  This would generally work if you knew who the person well enough to predetermine her reaction, but I never knew who she was.  I daydreamed how she would react openly and accepting of my approach.  I’m essentially putting words I want to hear in her mouth.  Eventually one thing leads to another, and I win the girl, right?  No, not really.  But I kept reiterating this daydreaming process for the girl in elementary school, junior high, the girls in high school, local college, the one girl I followed to a university, the one I went to church with, and finally the girl that shares the same hobby.

When I reiterate this process for the new girl, I don’t really ever get to know her.  I’m essentially taking the girl—her features and mannerisms that attracts me—but wrapping the personality and character I expect and want into her.  That eventually leads to this infatuation where I become heartbroken when she doesn’t match to what I dreamed.  Pathetic, right?  I mean, this kind of emotional distress should be kept on the elementary playground.  Seriously, dude, grow up.

With that bit of background out of the way, I wanted to write about the approach on the newest girl that caught my attention.  Of course, like all girls of interest, she’s pretty (obviously).  She’s a gamer.  The fact that she’s really pretty and a gamer is what really caught my attention.  When I saw pictures with her and her (then) boyfriend, I had to step back and ask myself, “People looking this good really shouldn’t be playing World of Warcraft—they’re usually going out and doing cool things with other good looking people.”  Yeah… like that.  I’m keeping further details about her sparse for obvious reasons.

Despite the fact I am attractive to her and that we share a similar hobby, I honestly don’t think it would be wise of me to pressure on with a pursuit.  Maybe I finally grew up and recognize the mistakes of the past.  Maybe I’m supposed to discern a higher purpose that is in alignment with God’s will.  I honestly don’t know.  I do, believe, I received affirmation about what my approach ought to be after spending some time at the driving range with a friend of mine.

I haven’t seen Mark in awhile.  We occasionally run into each other at the same church service, but for the most part I wouldn’t see him because he’s busy with work.  One Sunday morning , we went out to the Glen Oaks golf course in Glendora.  I haven’t picked up a club since my golf class more than 5 years ago.  I brought Mark up to speed with the whole I-think-I’m-done-with-life-in-SoCal-and-I-want-to-move-back-to-Hawaii story.  He also felt that my next move is probably going to be away from California.  Even he thought Hawaii sounded like an advancing move.  By thew way, since Mark was a former World of Warcraft addict, I gave him our guild’s progression status and whatnot.  At that point I had to tell him about her.

I told Mark pretty much every personality trait that attracted me so much to her.  And in the end, he came out to remind me, “As great and fun as she may be, do you really see her as being your helper for God’s will in your life?”  (See Gen 2:20b ff)  No, I cannot.  Mark didn’t need to go into further detail because at that moment I remembered what Paul wrote in his second letter to the people of Corinth:

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.  For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?  Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?  What harmony is there between Christ and Belial?  What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?  What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols?  For we are the temple of the living God.  As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.” (2 Corinthians 6:14-16, NIV)

Paul finishes by writing,

“Therefore come out from them and be separate, [...] touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you.  I will be a Father to you and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.” (2 Corinithians, 6:17-18, NIV)

I associate that piece of scripture with marriage.  It’s pretty tough for me to associate it with all relationships just because I believe we’re called to make believers of all nations, and my method to sharing the gospel is by creating authentic relationships so that my friends (hopefully) will see the glory of God through me.  Anyway, if someone could give some insight what Paul meant by “yoked together” that would be awesome.  (Who knows, I might be completely off the mark on this one.)

With that in mind, that’s the reason I see her differently.  I’m not sure exactly what it is.

I need to remind myself so that I won’t repeat these bad daydreaming habits.   In the event I do fall into the same cycle, I must not forget that she can never be mine.  She belongs to God.

This scribe was written on Tuesday, April 16, 2005.  It was originally privately published on j2 under the chapter for the  Covina Chronicles.  I was still attending Azusa Pacific University at the time.  The style of writing is informal and very journal-like… that’s because it was originally part of a journal.

There are less than two weeks left of class then I’ll be on my way to graduating!  There’s nothing that can stop me now—except for a couple of tough papers, but I’ve gotten through that before. Remember last semester?  I almost had twice the work load last semester, and I finished just fine. So this semester should be a breeze, right? No, of course not!

Last week, I’ve been having sinus problems. Less than 48 hours ago, I came down with a cold. It is the same cold (flu?) that I came down with two months ago. That was horrible. I was incapable of doing anything for two weeks. And now I have it again. This time I’m a bit more aggressive against the cold. I have tea, chicken noodle soup, and drugs—lots of drugs!  But I’m already behind in getting papers done. I needed to get two assignments done for tonight, but now it doesn’t even look like I’ll be getting one.

I started complaining and whining to God again how He “failed” to look over my health. Yes, arrogant and childish thinking. It feels like I’ve done something wrong to deserve this. Sure, my diet hasn’t been the healthiest, but it has been consistent. And if my diet is consistent (albeit consistently bad), I don’t know where my cold originated. No one else is sick in the house.

That said, it’s pretty easy to understand why I’m complaining about this cold. It is putting additional strain on my academics. I feel like giving up right now. But I am slowing learning a few things by going through this sickness. I can only do things through God. I think I first realized this during my golf class. I didn’t want to go, but at the same time I wanted to get out of the house. It was a nice and cool spring day. There were a few clouds in sky, but the sun did its best to shine through.

As usual, we were out on the driving range. I had a six iron. I switched out to a 3, but I didn’t do well after my first hit. I whacked the ball a good 150 yards with the three iron, but the club felt too different. I was exhausted due to the cold. I took a break before going at it again with a a six iron. My body hurt. The cold was sucking the energy out of my body.  I didn’t want to swing anymore. It came down to the last three golf balls of the class. The first two swings were okay. It didn’t go nearly as straight as I normally hit it nor as far.

Then I pulled the last golf ball into position. I was weak. This last swing was going to be horrible. I took a practice swing. I could already feel my back giving way. Then I looked at the golf ball and spoke to God.

“You know what? This last swing is for you. Look at me. I am weak, yet I am the perfect being you created me to be. My flaws and imperfections are considered perfect in Your eye. Here I am: sick and weak. Yet, I am going to swing with all of my heart and all of my strength to show you what this ‘perfect’ being you created can do.”

It was more like a sarcastic taunt than anything else. I figure that ball was going to go no more than fifty yards. I normally get around a hundred yards with a six iron. My best swing for the day with that 6-iron was about 120 yards.

I pulled the club back and took a three quarters swing at the ball. Once I made contact and followed through, I realized no other swing prior to that has ever felt so good. The swing was perfect. That ball flew higher and farther than it ever did. on target nonetheless.  It landed past 160 yard mark. I was dumbfounded.

From the moment on, I understood what it meant to do your best and when you do all things for the glory of God. God will work in you to do amazing things. He did this with this flawed and ill body of mine. It was a demonstration of what He can do in my life if I just let Him.

So why is this amazing? It could have been a lucky swing, right? It could have been a small chance it was luck but unlikely. If you’ve ever played golf, you would know that a golf swing uses a set of muscles you don’t normally use on a daily basis. These set of muscles placed all over the body (arms, legs, torso, back, hands, etc) need to work in sync with each other in order to produce a good swing. The only way you can get a perfect swing is by constantly practicing and teaching your muscles to remember what to do as you take the swing. Also, each swing takes a different set of muscles whether it is one quarter, half, three quarters, or a full swing.  I’ve only been at the driving range for a semester because of this class.  There’s no way I produced proper muscle memory for a golf swing in that amount of time.

There’s a lot of crap going on when you take a swing. I was fatigued because of the cold. Yet, God took my body and used it perfectly to hit the tiny little good for nothing golf ball. Unfortunately, no one else saw that perfect golf swing. Our coach didn’t see it. None of the students who were around me paid any attention to my swing. None of the other golfers in the area noticed. It’s okay. That swing was for God, and He did it through me. I saw His awe in that ball as it flew over 160 yards. I’m beginning to slowly understand the awesome power that God has at His disposal ready to be used through me.  Imagine that.  It was a golf swing.  What else could he do through me?

So yes, it does suck that I’m sick. But I think I could get by.